Today

I'm sitting at home, eating my lunch and having some delayed-reaction-crying thinking about our first OB appointment today. We met with our regular obstetrician and discussed our pregnancy. We did blood work and signed (lots of) paperwork. We did another U/s and I got to see our little "Sport" move around for the first time. After all we've gone through, to see that little guy or gal thrive inside my body was truly amazing. I know that my ability to grow a human defines me as a woman, but what defines me as a mom is the love I already feel for that kiddo. The thoughts of all the fun we are going to have in the future and the ways this baby is going to change our lives are overwhelming at times, but in a great way. 

I've had friends and relatives who've experienced loss....infertility....and combinations of both. I do not take a second of this pregnancy for granted. I know that terrible things can happen, and that these things all happen for a reason on their own terms and timing. I also am painfully aware that those words do not heal a hurt or fulfill a longing that runs so deep. It's in our nature. We are often defined as the weaker sex, but how amazingly strong are we? We face uphill battles with determination. We pick ourselves up in the midst of devastation. We carry our heads high. We carry our children with us. Back up that hill, because we know that once we get there, the view is spectacular. 

Scout knows oceans

So the other day I was watching this episode of Man vs. Wild (I know). Scout was in our room watching Max and Ruby. She came in to the living room to ask for something (probably food, this kid) just as Bear Grylls used a handmade spear to catch (kill) a lobster in Papua, New Guinea. He pulls it up out of the ocean and is excited about his fresh meal and heads to the shore to put it over the fire. Scout jumps up on the couch and is watching this whole experience. 

When Bear pulled the lobster out of the water, its legs flailing, she starts yelling at the television: "THAT'S A DANGEROUS CREATURE! PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN! PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN! PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN!" 

Jay and I could hardly contain ourselves. This kid is awesome. Can't wait to tell her first date this stuff (when she's 35). 

8 wks 1 day.

Last night, big sister woke up at 3 in the morning. Jay suggested I crawl in bed with her so that he could sneak out early for work in the morning. I slowly got out of bed and made my way to her room where we cuddled and listened to the rain outside and finally drifted to sleep. I was in and out of sleep until we finally got up and out of bed at 7:45 (a late morning for us). 

It was still raining, as it had been all night and we were all slow to start. Jay didn't go in to work early, but rather got up when we did and got ready for the day with us. We rushed off to our final doctor's appointment at Santa Monica Fertility. We met with Dr. S this time, and Dr. J came in at the end of our appointment to check on our progress and say goodbye. 

We heard "Sport's" heartbeat for the first time and it was a wonderful sound. So strong! We've decided to call this babe "Sport" while in-utero, in tribute to Jay's grandfather who passed away earlier this year. Dr. S pointed out the baby's belly and head and hands to Scout in the ultrasound image. Then she showed Scout the heartbeat and that's when she turned on the sound for us all to hear. 

After the measurements were taken (Sport is measuring 8 weeks, 2 days), we discussed holiday travel plans and I asked for some prescription relief from the nausea. Scout and I are heading out a few days before Jay to go to to Pampa to be with my parents for a few days. Then we head to Austin to meet up with the Holzer clan and celebrate Christmas. Since we are going to be flying a couple of days without Jay, I thought I should be at my best (without nausea) and asked for some medicine just in case. I'm nervous about meds when pregnant, but if I'm having a sick day, there's no way I could travel. 

I'm feeling pretty good today, just a little queasy and tired, of course. I was able to eat a healthy dinner last night. I'd been craving "Kitchen Sink Salad" and Jay made me two small meals of the delicious dinner. It is thus far the most flavorful thing I've been able to stomach. But it was delicious and full of nutritious vegetables and protein. 

We meet with our new obgyn on Thursday. I'm excited to meet her and start the next phase of this adventure! 

Sensory Overload

Lately I've been experiencing sensory overload. Smell what the neighbor's cooking? puke. Pants touch my stomach? puke. Jay turns over in the middle of the night, bouncing me just a little? puke. Wash the kiddo's hair and the smell of her shampoo? puke. Hear something gross? puke. Think of something gross? puke. Pregnancy makes you sensitive and vulnerable. 

I just re-booked our Christmas travel plans and now I'm traveling by myself with Scout both TO and FROM Texas. I think it's time I asked for some Zofran and pick up some Seabands. Here's the remedies I've tried so far that have worked and have not worked (this is a tricky dance). Lemon water. Emetrol. Peppermint tea. Preggie Pop Drops. Eating something small and very bland every 2 hours. Resting. Exercise. Distraction. Ginger ale. Avoiding things that make me feel sick. 

Pregnancy sickness is one of those things....a blessing in disguise. It means your body is hard at work. Some attribute it to hormone levels on the rise. Others say it's because the digestive process slows down so much. Some say it's because of those increased senses, or stress and anxiety. Still, some think it's because of low blood sugar experienced during pregnancy. 

Whatever it is, it's the pits. A necessary purgatory. A wonderful means to a fascinating end result. 

The way 3 yr olds understand pregnancy

We've been trying to give Scout an age-appropriate and somewhat realistic view of what's going to happen in the next few months.  I think it's sinking in. She was playing (refusing to clean up her toys) before bedtime tonight and ran into her room with an "OH MY GOODNESS! Mommy! The baby came out of your tummy and is playing with all my toys!"  To which, Jay explained that the baby wouldn't "be coming out of mommy's tummy for quite some time. Because the baby needs to grow. And mommy's tummy is going to grow. Want to see what that looks like?" 

So we pulled up the pictures of my pregnancy with Scout (there are few and yes, the quality is this bad, and no, I didn't wear make up for these). We showed her this one (as to not traumatize her with the very biggest tummy picture).

Then we showed her this one. 

Then, this one.



That's when Scout said "OH NO! What if she POPS?!" Then we all fell over on the floor from laughing. 

I've been feeling a little bit more sick since last week. Yesterday was NOT a good day.  I couldn't look at anything without wanting to throw up. So when Scout asked for lunch....I trucked over to the kitchen (a room seldom visited in the last couple of days by my body)....opened the fridge, and tried to bribe her with a bowl of cereal. Nuh-uh. No way, mom. So I found some spaghetti sauce and decided to make some pasta. As I was waiting for the water to boil, I leaned against the fridge. Scout saw this and came in and this is what happened:

"What are you doing, mom?"

"Trying not to throw up or pass out." 

"Oh no, you're not going to throw up AGAIN! You'll throw up the baby!" 

Yeah...I think she's totally getting it.

Tonight she hugged me and said "Mom. You know what? Your jellies are getting bigger."

Kids. They don't lack brutal honesty. 

Whoa!

I woke up this morning and had 10,015 views! Guys! :D I promise I'll be writing soon. Lots going on over here. 

Things that break your heart

Scout has been telling me that she wants to be a little baby again. I think it's because we've been showing her the ultrasound pictures when she was in my tummy. We are trying to prep her for what she's going to see at our u/s this Monday. 

 Now, she's told me this before. I think I even blogged about it. But this time, it was SO sad. She crawled in my lap tonight, all snuggly in her new fleece footy pjs. She closed her eyes tight and said "I wish, I wish that I could be a baby again." The girl then held her hand out in front of her face and asked "Am I smaller, mommy?"

Trying to make light of the situation, I grabbed her hand and inspected it thoroughly for about two minutes and then said, "I'm afraid you're getting bigger with every minute." 

She cried out in protest, but there was nothing to be done. I wrapped my arms around her and told her the only thing I knew would calm her down (like so many moms around the world, for ages and ages have done). 

"No matter how big you get...you'll always be my little baby." 

giving thanks

I'm thankful for: my family. I have a doting husband, an adorable daughter, supportive parents and a pain-in-the-neck brother who loves me enough to razz me about my cooking. 

I'm thankful for: oyster crackers and water. It's the only thing that got me out of bed this morning. 

I'm thankful for: morning sickness. It reminds me of the life growing inside me. A life I love already. 

I'm thankful for: my husband's fantastic job. We've had an incredible year. SO much has changed and we are having a blast. All that was made possible by his employer and I'm so thankful for that. Hand-in-hand with that...

I'm thankful for: a hardworking husband (yeah, he gets two mentions). He has always worked hard, and is so good at what he does, and that affords us life's little luxuries...like dryer sheets and new cars, trips to Disneyland and food on our table. Plus, it's soooooo cute when he says things that are nerdy. 

I'm most thankful today for: women who've taught me to cook. My grandparents, my mom and my sisters have all taught me so much that I felt so confident in every little thing I did to prepare for my first Thanksgiving meal. Even though I cooked the entire thing alone, in my tiny little kitchen, I felt like I was surrounded by my family. I felt my Mim's presence when making whipped cream and chex mix. I felt my Mamaw's presence when making the stuffing and cranberry sauce. I felt my mom's presence when I smelled the sweet potato casserole baking in the oven. I felt Amanda's presence when dressing the turkey. I felt Allie's presence in the desserts. Jay's grandmother and my great-grandmother were in my mind too today when I made hard-boiled eggs and set out the tray with pickles/olives/okra in it. I'm so glad I decided to make Thanksgiving dinner instead of BBQ or something else. I really felt the love in every bite. I guess that's why they call it comfort food. 

Thank you, friends and family...for making this a tremendous life. 

BIG THANKS

This Soul Pancake video got me thinking. Who would I thank if I had the chance? If I had a big microphone and could say "thank you" to someone who changed my life in a BIG way, who would I recognize?

It didn't take long to come up with an answer: my dad. 

When I was in the fourth grade, I went to stay the night at a friend's house. The next day, I was woken up, I'm sure I had breakfast or something and then I was told to go home. Kinda weird, but I lost memory of some of the details. I remember walking home from that friends house (two houses down) and seeing my grandparents' (both sets) cars in the driveway. I immediately thought something was wrong. And in my own little world, at that moment...it was. My dad was entering a rehab facility in Cushing, Oklahoma and would be gone through the holidays. That means, he'd miss Christmas with my family. He'd miss New Years. But, what he would gain in return was so worth it. 

Though I am the worst at remembering birthdays (I just sent my mom her birthday present. It was in July), anniversaries (I had to stop using ours as codes for things b/c I can't remember the date) and social security numbers, I usually find the time during the year to say "thank you." Sometimes I call him on his sobriety birthday. Sometimes I hear a story about how alcohol or drugs has ruined/impacted someone's life and I feel the need to call my dad and thank him. But it's never been in a BIG way. So now, without further ado: 

To my dad. Thank you for your sobriety. Thank you for your determination. Thank you for living your life "one day at a time." Thank you for choosing our family instead of your addiction. From that moment on, I never had to question your love for us. And now, 19 years later (!!!!)...I cannot tell you how proud I am. It hasn't been easy...and to see you go through some of the things you've gone through in the last 19 years has been hard. But I know how strong you are, and how dedicated you are to recovery and for that I am thankful. To see the way you have taken your sobriety and have helped others in the community, is so inspiring. At local AA meetings, taking people to Cushing or other treatment facilities, or sponsoring others who are just getting started with their sober lives....you've changed lives. Thank you for being such an amazing dad and role model. I'm so thankful for you. 

And now to pay it forward. If you or someone you know is struggling with their battle with drugs or alcohol, call (800)544-5101. 

11-11-11

(This blog entry was written on 11-11-11)

V-day. Veterans' Day. A kind "thank you" to all of those who serve or have served in all branches of the military. Today, I'm thinking of my grandfather, my brother-in-law (and his dad), my uncle, my cousin, my friends and my friend's spouses.

V-day. Verdict day. Today is the day. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. after having a vivid dream that I took a pregnancy test. It was "positive." I ran and told Jay, and our moms and dads, our siblings, and our friends. And then, I looked at the test again, and realized I'd read it wrong. It was in fact, negative. Such a vivid dream shook me from a relatively pleasant slumber. 

Then Scout woke up at 3:30. She said "hey mom, i'm hungry. Want to go camping? Can you take off my jacket?" I put her back in bed and then snuck out with an excuse to "go to the bathroom." I thought about testing right then. But I decided to wait until I was able to turn on the lights because I didn't want to disturb those who were still peacefully slumbering. 

My sneakiness didn't buy me much time. As soon as I was snug back in my bed, curled up and drifting off to sleep...."MOM! MOM! What are you DOING?" So back I went. She was wide awake. I helped her find "Boo," and snuggled up next to her, realizing I was in it for the long haul. Scout finally went back to sleep, and so did I. 

We woke up at 7. My first train of thought was "I'm hungry, too. Like mother, like daughter." Then, I realized I hadn't tested in the middle of the night....better go do that. As soon as the test started signifying a change, I realized it was a "+" sign. I had long thrown away the box, and didn't know if that really meant I was pregnant. I ran into the living room with the test in hand, Scout scuttling around under my feet. I pulled up EPT's website to double-check my suspicions. I still was thinking it looked too good to be true. But there it was....a giant blue "+." Jay yelled out: "What's the verdict?" 

I grabbed Scout's hand and took the test in to show Jay. I couldn't stop smiling as I asked him, "does that look like a plus sign to you?" He also smiled and said that it did, and asked what our next step was going to be. Then murmured something about needing a bigger boat. Hugs and kisses all around. Excitement, but slight hesitation. We have been waiting for so long. I've tested so many months only to get a negative result. I was slightly in shock. I still am. As I type this, I feel like mush. (We haven't told anyone yet, because we are waiting on blood results. As soon as those are back, we'll let family know and then I'll be posting this entry.) 

I, of course, called my doctor at 8 and went in for blood tests. Things are looking good, and our due date is going to be around July 20th. It's amazing what a little positive thinking can lead to. We are officially 4 weeks pregnant.

Some very, very, very, VERY happy Holzers. 

radio silence//awol//m.i.a., for good reason

If your theory is "no news is good news..." well, you're right. 

Baby #2 is due July 20th(ish)! Feeling so, so, so happy/relieved/excited/tired/hungry/thirsty/ecstatic/alive.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for later this month, and will know more then. Blood levels were tested on Friday, and everything looks good..."strong" as the doctor put it.

Until then, thank you. Thank you for your support these last few months (and years, for those who've known longer). Thank you for your positive thinking, crossed fingers, good energy, prayers and light. 

Passing the time

Things we did while waiting for the last two weeks:
3 trips to disneyland
2 l.a. galaxy games
Double date night
Texans in Cali
11 loads of laundry
2 trips to the grocery store
2 trips to Costco
6 loads of dishes
countless hours spent wondering

Thanks!

Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for checking up on me this week. The emails, messages, cards and calls have been greatly appreciated. It's definitely a time for reflection...as we await Friday. Your notes of encouragement and enlightenment have been a considerable help in keeping a positive outlook. Thanks for it all! Much love!

random funnies from the 3 year old

Scout has been very descriptive about how things taste lately. If she doesn't like it, she says it "tastes like cashews, nuts, or peanut butter." This is because we've told her that she can't have anything that has these components since she is really allergic. If she likes the way something tastes, she says it "tastes like honey!"

Scout told me I was a genius after I made her some mummy sandwiches (hotdogs wrapped up in crescent roll dough to look like mummies). She said something like "HOW did you make these? You are SO genius."

After her productive evening of trick-or-treat, she sat down in the living room, surrounded by candy and threw her arms in the air saying "Let's have a CELEBRATION!" So we gathered together on the floor and she passed out candy to everyone and said "let's enjoy!" Jay brought his wallet and "bought candy" from her. He gave her a dollar for every two pieces of candy she gave him. Soon, she had four dollars and was excited to go to the pharmacy to buy a Minnie Mouse junior laptop she's had her eye on for a month. Jay pulled out his next bill and it was a ten dollar bill- easily worth three pieces of candy! Between the candy sale and us taking the peanut butter/peanut candies from her, she was still left with a few pieces of candy to enjoy for all of her hard work and excellent manners.

She has randomly started a new habit of trying to chew on her hair. I remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. So funny to see those habits surface in your children. And also, gross.

The morning after Halloween, Scout tried to negotiate her way into some candy for breakfast. She tried every excuse in the book. When that failed, she went for the sneak....she said "mom, just put that blanket on your head and don't peek!" Then she climbed up on her step stool and tried to reach the bowl of candy on top of the shelf. That didn't work either, in case you were wondering. Sometimes she reminds me of my brother so much. He probably totally tried the same thing as a kid.

She's always keeping us on our toes!

looking back, Halloween

I've been being nostalgic today, looking at pictures of Scout's first Halloween and comparing them to this year. Here's my favorite pumpkin patch picture from Halloween 2008. This was taken at the Elgin Christmas Tree Farm, where we also used to get our Christmas trees every year. We loved taking this trip with family to the little farm and seeing the animals, finding the pumpkins, and bouncing along on the hayrides. 

And here is my favorite shot from this year's pumpkin patch. Scout and I drove up with friends Jennifer and Cashel to visit this farm just outside of Los Angeles. It was a gorgeous day, and the kids had so much fun. I was worried that we were going to have to take her to one of those sad little pumpkin patches they put in a parking lot. Thank goodness for good friends who know the secrets about raising kids in the city, and day trips to outside the city.

good news!

Positive LH test yesterday afternoon! The energy I was feeling after that test was EUPHORIC! Heading to Santa Monica Fertility for our IUI. Let's get this show on the road!

Post Edit:
Everything went smoothly. I saw my follicle (which had grown to a healthy 22+ mm) and gave it a pep-talk. Procedure was quick and painless. Just waiting 14 days now. JUST 14 days! :D If you need me, I'll be going crazy over here.

Scout and I have a big weekend planned since Jay will be out of town on Saturday. We're going to see Puss in Boots tomorrow with Cashel and Jennifer. But first, dinner tonight with the fam and our good friend Laura from Austin is in town, so we are lucky enough to visit with her this afternoon! Can't wait!

One of those perfect L.A. days

Had to laugh at all the "Los Angeles" in my life today:

Driving to the grocery store and passing the Star Home Tours bus. 

Text from Jay about seeing a guy with a cut from Sons of Anarchy on the Santa Monica Promenade. 

Driving down Avenue of Stars to get to a play date at Roxbury Park.

Buying tickets to the Galaxy play offs for next week. 

Text from Jay: "heading to the playboy studio...should be interesting."(add that to text messages you don't ever want to get from your hubby. jk. they were looking at the studio space. uh-huh, sure.) 

The sun is shining, and it's 70 degrees. Meanwhile, my family in Texas are inches deep in snow. 

LED Billboards everywhere advertising every movie that is coming out for the next two months, t.v. shows and Bijan watches. 

Beautiful day, actually. 

Currently: dancing around

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

Not a Wordless Wednesday

I know you are probably tired of reading these updates. I'm growing tired of posting them. I'm ready for some good news!

Today, I had an appointment with Dr. S to see how the injections had progressed my follicle growth. In two days (each with a 75 cc shot of Follistim), my growth had only progressed to 18.69 mm and somewhere around 17 from 16.

SO. It's not looking much better than last month. Both doctors raised their eyebrows at the outcome of the treatment this time around, and continued to say "it's not where I'd like it to be, but this may be completely normal for you." Dr. S reassured me today that at least the chances have been raised from 0% with no ovulation to 20-25% with one (maybe 2?) follicles.

 I think both doctors are starting to get frustrated with the lack of progress my body is showing. I don't seem to be responding very well to the Clomid, but...we are hoping for a miracle. I'm giving myself a shot tonight of Ovidrel to make my body ovulate. It takes about 36 hours for that to happen. Then, Friday morning at 11:30 we go in for our second IUI attempt.

 Scout was at my appointments this week, and she continues to make everyone in the office laugh and smile. They talk to her about her Halloween costume, her curly hair, and ask her if she wants to stay in the office with them. She tells them about her favorite Nintendo characters, how she wants a baby sister, and her rock collection. She caught Dr. J off-guard on Monday. As he was leaving our room, he said "Bye, you!" to Scout. She looked up at him and said "BYE, YOU!!"

 Jay was in San Francisco today, sitting on a discussion panel at OMMA Video Conference. They were discussing YouTube as the new MSO. You can view it here in all it's techie-fabulousness. He makes some very good points (around minute ~5 and ~22:30) about internet media and even gets to use the phrase "democratized content landscape." God, he's so awesome. I love that he is amazing at his job. I love that he loves his job. I love that he gets to do cool stuff like this, because...he is really good at it. I'm so proud of him.

Good food: Nicoise Salads

Jay and I have been having "at home date nights." Which really, really, really sounds like a cop-out. But, in reality, is SO fun. So far, we've had three of these...and what happens goes something like this: Jay makes and serves dinner in three courses; soup or salad, main course, dessert. I'm not allowed in the kitchen. We both shower and shave and get dressed up like we actually are going to leave the house. We listen to records, and put away the technologies (for the most part). We talk about current events, work, the future and other fun things. Then after dinner, we play a board game or watch a new movie, or both. 

This Saturday night, Jay made Nicoise (knee-swahz) salads and tomato bisque with ice cream and milano cookies for dessert. Nicoise salad is one of his favorites that i've never ventured to try. Though I don't know why...because I LOVED it. 

There are different variations and recipes for this delicious salad. Jay enjoyed one last week that used salmon instead of tuna and asparagus instead of green beans. We stuck to the traditional recipe (minus olives, because if you know anything about my husband...you should know he hates olives and most pickles). 

Jay made the dressing from scratch. Here's the things you need for the dressing:

3/4 cup olive oil

1 shallot, minced

1 tbsp. fresh (or dried) thyme

2 tsp. oregano (we used dried whole mexican oregano)

1 tbsp. fresh basil

1 tsp. dijon mustard

1/2 cup lemon juice

salt and pepper to taste

Other things you'll need to pick up from the market:

Sashimi-grade Tuna steak (one should be enough for two people)

small red new potatoes 

fresh green beans

1 egg per person, hard-boiled

Nicoise Olives (or capers or kalamata olives, if you can't find nicoise) 

Boil your potatoes and your eggs (separately), and flash cook or steam your green beans. You want the green beans to be crunchy and sweet, not soft and mushy. You'll want to cool these things down before you put them on the lettuce to keep the lettuce from wilting. Jay let them sit in some ice water for a few minutes to bring them to room temp. 

Drizzle a bit of olive oil on your tuna steak, and then pan-fry it over medium heat. Keep the center pink, don't overcook the tuna. You can put a little bit of kosher salt on there, if you like. After cooking, slice it and divide between the salads. Let it cool down a little before putting it on the lettuce.

To arrange your salad, start with fresh butter lettuce. We got the hydroponic head of butter lettuce at the store because Jay loved the tagline on the packaging: "You know it's fresh because it's still alive." Queue the sinister laughter. 

In the middle of the lettuce, place your sliced tuna steak in the middle. Then, arrange the remaining ingredients in clockwise fashion. Potatoes (4 or 5), green beans, sliced deviled egg, and olives. Instead of olives, I opted for capers. Which, I have to say...were really delicious. Drizzle your dressing over the top, and enjoy! 

Nicoise deliciousness

dinner date

Today's appointment

We got to see Dr. J today to check on the follies. Looks like only one is growing, but it's a good size (16mm) for day 12. I'm going to do the Follistim shots today and tomorrow, and then go in on Wednesday for another ultrasound and more blood work to see how the follicles are doing. I'll also get the ovulation shot (Ovidrel) if it looks like the follicle is ready. 

We are looking at a Friday IUI which is good because Jay leaves town on Saturday and won't be back until Sunday. I'm getting so frustrated with the clomid. It seems like my body is not responding to it at all, and it seems like a waste of time. But, we have to wait until we've tried this plan for three months in a row before we try something new. At that point, I'll be at my "6 in a lifetime" doses for Clomid. 

What's the next step? I don't know. Here's hoping we don't have to find out! Keeping focused on the positive.

Post Edit: LH neg for Saturday, Sunday, and today. 

Name game

oh, L.A.---Scout was run over at the park by a kid on his scooter. She was fine, but I learned that the kid's name was Dylan. And his brother's name? Jagger. OBVIOUSLY. I have to say, I love both names...but having them together, is ridiculously cool. Isn't it? 

So from this day forth, I'm going to try to brainwash my sister-in-law to name her future son Jagger. Obviously.

Other fun names at the playground and park are:

Lucy
Charlie (for girls and boys)
William
Ella
Bella
Luca
Devon

For the weekend...

Jam this as loud as you can...the closer to 5 p.m., the better. 

and then, listen to this: 

Amazing weekend tunes brought to you by Class Actress. 

We Found Love

That new rihanna song....omg....so good. and, the video...powerful. like a psa for bad love:

"The video compares love to a drug. Both produce euphoria at first...but if overused or uncontrolled, they can both quickly become addictive, harmful and dangerous.

As seen here, when relationships wrong, it quickly becomes an issue of control and survival in the relationship, much like when the side effects of drugs themselves.

Rihanna's not supporting the use of drugs, she's using them as an analogy to explain the possible mistakes of love when uncontrolled."

Blogging, FYI

Holy cow, it makes me so happy to see comments on the blog. SO, if you're reading and you want to leave a comment or question or opinion, this is your forum! Feel free to agree/disagree/observe and comment!

Jay made it home last night after his LONG work day and short trip to Little Rock. He spent some time with a home-and-garden celebrity and I can't even tell you how jealous I am. He's so cool, you guys.

Well, I must run...busy day today. Scout and I are watching the Barbie fairy movie I rented for her. For. The. 100th. Time.

Another day, another U/S

Went to the doctor today. Dr. J has been out of office this week, and so I've been seeing his associate, Dr. S. She is great, also (duh). She LOVES Scout. She entertains her and talks to her and listens to her stories about Mario Bros., Halloween costumes, and her imaginary friends. It is pretty much the best feeling ever to have the doctor walk in the room and get more excited about the kid than the client. Seriously. 

So, results of the U/S were this: follies are growing, but not at an enormous rate. They are going to bring me in again (probably on Friday, when Dr. J will be back) for another U/S and then evaluate whether or not I need shots. Keep your fingers crossed for no shots, because those suckers are ESPENSIVE, Lucy. 

Plus, who likes giving themselves shots in the stomach? Not this lady! 

In other news, Scout is being her darling self. She helped bake a pizza last night...even rolled out the dough. It was shaped like Oklahoma and had lots of cheese and broccoli on it. Then today, she helped me make pumpkin spice muffins. She loves cooking and projects. She also helped me make some button crafts that I'll show you later..b/c (ShHHHHh!) they are Christmas presents! 

Also, have you seen the website FuckYeahRyanGosling.tumblr.com yet? Because it's amazing. Sorry mom for the curse word. But it is hilarious. And he's such a little hottie. I hope I run into him at Whole Foods one day. Okeydokey, gotta go...getting all that laundry done that I've been talking about for days. 

Feeling chipper today...I think it's the coffee.

POST EDIT: Dr. J will see us on Monday, the 24th. LH testing starts on the 22nd. 

the fizzle after the pop

That title is how you could describe my mood over the last two days. Pretty much. I don't know what it is. I was feeling so positive at the end of the week and heading into the weekend. I've been working really hard to focus on the positive in every day. I guess I wasn't doing that last month...because in focusing on the happy, I've found the contrast. 

And yes, that precious three year old in the other room is my constant reminder to laugh, bounce, and be crazy. And yes, depression is a side effect (supposedly) of Clomid. And yes, it doesn't help that my face looks like a pre-pubescent's. I'm in a frump. I can't place my finger on it, but something feels "off." 

Scout and I got out of the house today and ran errands. We went to Trader Joe's for some groceries, the bank for some rolled coin (or lollipops, depending on who you ask), and to the park to get some outside play time. I'm enjoying seeing her blossom as the time goes by here in Cali. It's been a slow process, but has been fun to see her play it out in her own time. 

There's the silver lining I've been looking for. 

Clomid Chronicles, Part Deux Day 4

One more day to go on the meds. I must say, I don't think it's affecting me much at all like it did the last go-round. I'm not feeling fuzzy or neurotic (yet), but rather a little tired. I slept most of the day yesterday and then went to bed by 11:45 and slept through the night pleasantly. Today, I'm feeling a bit sleepy, but it could be the weather. It's a bit foggy here this afternoon as the marine layer has made its way onshore. 

I'm looking forward to the end of this week and a Disney play date with Jennifer and Cashel. Jay leaves town for business for two days (one night) this week. Lots to do at the end of the week, so I'm thankful that today (and the past weekend) were so entirely low-key. 

Things we are going to do this week: library, tar pits, Disneyland and laundry. woohoo!

p.s How cute are these shoes? 

Point of order

To clarify.... My last post was my 300th written, but (as Jay brought to my attention) only the 289th to be posted. SO, in a week (roughly) I'll have that 300th post. I've been nagging Jay to help me with a new format. Something that looks better and is a little more minimal but with style. Tadah! Isn't it pretty? We still have a few things to do, but I wanted to welcome you (all you readers out there) and say "YES, it is still the same blog. Just classier." Stay tuned!

Clomid Chronicles, Part Deux, Day 3

It's 4 o'clock....p.m.

And I've been awake for a total of 3.5 hours since 6:30 this morning. 

Just realized, this was my 300th post. Neat.

Clomid Chronicles, Part Deux (day2)

I took my first dose of 100 ml Clomid yesterday afternoon. I'm feeling fine today, much better than the past few days. If the sun comes out, I'm going to take Scout to the beach this afternoon. We may go regardless...and take our kite for the afternoon. 

I'm going to work this month to meet the universe 1/2-way with the pregnancy thing. I realized this last week that if I had been pregnant, I wasn't prepared for a few things. I wasn't prepared for the sickness. I was extremely ill during the first trimester (+) of my pregnancy with Scout. This time around, if I'm that sick, I'm going to have a toddler to think about.

Here's a list of things I need to do, because I love a good list. 

• Get ideas for pregnancy photos. Because I'm documenting everything so heavily, I want to come up with a creative way to document the physical changes. 
• Set up some busy-activities for Scout. Get back in our routine of park visiting and play-dates. Also going to try and set up a schedule with a sitter to get Scout some play time with someone who is not sick (if I'm sick....hopefully I'm not). 
• Stock  up on things I'll be able to eat when sick...apples, peanut butter, jello, soups, crackers, ginger ale and lemon drops. 
• Get Emetrol. This is the only thing that brought me a slight feeling of relief so I could eat.
• Think of baby names. I'm already always doing this anyway...but I've started an actual list. And no, we won't be sharing....just like we didn't share Scout's until she was born.  I'm letting Jay and Scout contribute to this list. 
• Revisit the maternity shop down the street. The store owner was so great. She had toys for kiddos to look at while the parents browse, kiddie clothes as well as adorable maternity boutique items, and a great spirit. She's the one who suggested I try the strategy of "meeting the universe" half way. 

I was confident in the science of things. I believed that if the medicine worked, and I complied with my doctor's wishes, that everything would fall into place. I'm not a huge "faith" person. It's hard for me to trust something I can't see, or to understand it for that matter. That may come as a shock to some people, given my background...but it's the truth. This time around, I'm going to work on having the faith that it will happen. I'm going to continue to be realistic...but "up" my optimism this time. I'm going to do this by meditating for thirty minutes every day and concentrating on the positivity of pregnancy. 

Here goes! 

Vision clear, appetite back

I woke up this morning with a clear vision of what today is going to look like. I also woke up with a strange feeling...hunger. I've been battling some tummy issues for about the past week....and finally am feeling a bit better. I actually wanted to fill my stomach. 

Scout is going to stay with the sitter this morning for a couple of hours because I've got a doctor's appointment. Turns out "day 1" came sooner than I thought. I could have saved the money on the pregnancy test, had I known that neat little fact. 

But I digress....yesterday was a pretty good day despite the less-than-happy start. I had about three hours to wallow in the misery and then I was calling the doctor's office again with news of "Day 1!" 

I have some blood tests and an ultrasound today, then I will be prescribed more Clomid and injectables. 

I'd like to thank you all for the calls and text messages I received yesterday. It reminds me that we are not alone in this; that "I am a brave, strong woman," and that "it will happen when it's supposed to happen." I'm so glad to be sharing and over-sharing this experience. I hope that it will help someone else to read about our experience. 

Now...for the Clomid Chronicles, Round DEUX. 

plan of action

The thing about "plans" is that they never turn out the way you think. Or at least, such is the case with this body I'm living in. I tested this morning, and the results were negative. Now, back to the drawing board. 

Our good doctor is out of town until the 21st, but we are in contact with him via email/phone through the nurses at his office. We will wait for day 1 of my cycle and then go in for another ultrasound and likely up the Clomid and add injectables for this cycle. 

Jay hates this part....the part where I'm sad. I hate it, too. But in all honesty, I knew that our chances this month were not that great. By the end of my cycle I only had one good egg and maybe another one that would develop on it's own and push through...but not likely. With the last shot that I had, I was supposed to ovulate within 36 hours. But when I went in for my IUI, via ultrasound, the doctor could see that I hadn't ovulated yet. 

We remained positive in the fact that many people get pregnant when only one egg is present. That's all it takes, right? Well...you'd think. Timing is everything, and maybe our timing was just off. My body has a different schedule as far as cycling goes, so this could be the case. 

But also?  I'm not sad because I know there is still another plan. We learned a lot about my body this time around, and the fact is that I might still not be ovulating. 

On another note...looks like I've got a stomach bug.

post edit: and no, we don't think it's too early to tell...but I'd love to eat those words.  

Give me your guesses

So tomorrow is the day that we test to find out if our IUI worked. Here are some symptoms and indicators that may or may not prove to be pregnancy signs. Full disclosure here, you may want to stop reading if you think it's "too much information." I've been experiencing extreme thirst, somewhat-slowed appetite, sensitive stomach, some fatigue, nausea and a slight but noticeable increase in cup size and body temp. All of these symptoms could be caused by various environmental changes (it was so dry in Texas), travel, PMS, and possible illness. Or I could be "incubating," as my mom says. 

In order to not freak myself out about it...I decided to make today all about a fun poll. After the jump, tell me: What do you think?

Texas trip, in instagram pictures

Southwest Airlines; not your "family-friendly" airline....

On my flight from El Paso to LAX this weekend, I experienced something I've experienced all too often on a Southwest Airline flight. A drunk passenger. Not just a buzzed passenger, but the kind that makes you think they must have drank an entire pitcher of margaritas and chased it with a horse tranquilizer.

My brother and I experienced our first drunk passenger when we were young. We were old enough to recognize a drunk person when we smelled them, but young enough that we still needed to be supervised by the attendant. This drunk passenger jumped on the plane at the last minute, shoved her boombox (circa 1990) under my brother's seat, kicked off her Birkenstocks and put her smelly (read: unwashed for days) feet in the seat across from her (next to my brother). She then passed out for the entire flight. It was a memory I cherish (sarcasm).  

Recently, you've probably heard about this story: Actress Leisha Hailey was kicked off of a Southwest flight because she kissed her girlfriend...which apparently offended some good southwesterners. And she was famous! All this from the airline that claims to be the official airline of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD).   

Then, also, in the last month...the lead singer of the famous grunge-punk band Green Day was kicked off a SWA flight for letting his pants hang low....and refusing to follow the flight attendant's instruction for pulling them up. He's known for how he dresses...and I'm sorry, but I usually don't think that someone's clothes are offensive enough to have them removed from public view or escorted from a plane. USUALLY. 

You can literally get kicked off a plane for anything. Remember the people that have been kicked off flights for "being too fat (Kevin Smith)," or for their loud toddlers (hello!?!?!), and the woman who was crying too loudly on her sister's shoulder about their father's recent heart attack. They almost missed those precious last moments with their dad because of that disgraceful act. This is all getting a little out of hand. 

Our flight was delayed coming out of Austin by about an hour which would have cost us an overnight stay in El Paso...but SWA gratefully held the connecting flight 10 minutes for us. We deplaned and ran to catch our flight which was just two gates over. Upon boarding the full plane (10 seats were waiting to be filled, including ours), the only two seats together were near the back of the plane. Not a problem for us because being closer to the restroom is better with a 3 year old. Honestly, I was just thankful to be on a flight heading home. 

I threw my carry-on in the overhead compartment and took to our seats as quickly as possible. I buckled my three year old in the seat in the middle and I took the aisle seat. The other passenger on our row (we'll call him Drunkboy, for brevity's sake) attempted to be cordial by offering us a bag of peanuts from his large stash of airline peanuts. I declined politely and waited for other passengers to quickly get on the flight so we could get home. 

Scout snuggled up next to me and quickly fell asleep before our flight even left the ground. Thank goodness. Because for the next two hours, I lived in fear that Drunkboy was going to throw up on me, my kid, or my purse. He tried to make conversation a couple of times, but "fell asleep" in the middle of his question or comment. I did learn he was from Utah, originally. He texted...or tried to, but was having trouble remaining conscious. His phone remained on and active for the entire flight. If I'm not mistaken, he received a text halfway through the flight. 

Drunkboy may or may not have been a young serviceman...there were many in my section on the flight. I recognized them not because of their uniforms or their overly polite behavior or conversations, but because they get free drinks on Southwest flights. Upon their ordering, they flash a military i.d. and the attendants usually thank them for their service and then say those three magical words "drink's on us." There were three other servicemen seated across the aisle from us, and they routinely looked over and cracked some jokes about how he couldn't hold his alcohol and if he was "going to get on a flight wasted, he was fair game." These young men (also getting free alcohol) kindly offered me a bag of pretzels or peanuts from their large stash (apparently you get all the snacks you want on SWA, too, if you are in the military). I declined politely and delved into my book and cuddled my toddler. 

Why didn't I say something to the airline attendant? It probably had something to do with the fact that I wanted to try to be respectful of the situation. But when do we sacrifice our own comfort for the sake of respect? I was clearly uncomfortable. I could have had this young man removed from the plane. But the thing is...that Drunkboy sat there for ten minutes (or longer) before I even got on board. The flight attendant had to wake him up and move him so that we could be seated. The two flight attendants working in our section of the plane stopped and observed him before the flight took off. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt...had his active cell phone on his lap, and was passed out against the window with a half-eaten packet of peanuts held to his mouth. 

Why didn't I say something? I should not have had to. 

Maybe Southwest Airlines should tweak that part of training that talks about "judgement calls." 

fertility and intelligence

Joking about dire situations is one of the most common ways of dealing with a difficult experience. Here's a joke you can make about your fertility issues: If you're having trouble with conceiving, it's likely that you are of higher intelligence than your "fertile Myrtle" counterparts. I read it here (and you know, wikipedia never lies). Ha! 

wrapping up the past few days...

My father in law is off to pursue great things. He left yesterday for Pennsylvania for five or six days, and then is heading to Tanzania for 27 months. He has joined the Peace Corps, and we, as a family, are SO proud of him. What an ambitious endeavor. I cannot imagine packing up and leaving the house you've been living in for over 20 years to head to a fourth-world country. What a courageous thing to do. He seems so excited and ready to take on the challenge. If anyone could do it, it'd be him. 

I have arrived at my brother's house in Leander and must say....I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to relaxing on their comfy couch. This sucker has been calling my name almost all day. I took Scout to get her hair cut today, and it looks adorable. She didn't want to cut it short, so we left it long and just cleaned up the cut. 

I've been feeling a little icky today....tired and want to take a nap. Our allergies have flared up and we are both feeling a little stuffy and gross today as well. Welcome back to Central Texas! 

More later. 

hi there!

Oh hi, 

Been sitting on pins and needles much? We are in Georgetown, and spending as much quality time with our family as we can while also battling a little bit of jet lag and dehydration. Didn't plan on that last one. The dry air (even in this humid part of Texas) is stifling. 

We landed in Austin, and gathered our luggage. We hit up the rental car desk and grabbed keys to our Hyundai sedan. We jumped in the car and headed to feed our mexican-food-deprived stomachs. We met up with friends over salsa and chips and carne guisada. We went to the record store to satisfy our indie music cravings and Hey Cupcake! to satisfy our sweet teeth. 

Then we made a bee-line for Georgetown to be with our family. Things are really great right now. It feels good to be surrounded with cousins, siblings, in-laws, grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends. 

The big day.

We had our IUI today. It was not at all painful. It was so easy and quick that I told Jay afterwards, "I don't even feel like it was a 'procedure.'"But it was, and hopefully it will result in the thing that makes it all seem easy. 

I went in an hour after Jay, and they did an u/s first. We saw my little follicle "friend" and I secretly spoke to it's black and grey representation on the screen. "Hey little egg. Hey, there. Let's make this work, okay?  I promise it'll be worth it."

Dr. J and I had a discussion about our upcoming trip to Austin. Why we are traveling and so forth. And after that, it was over. The nurse told me to stay there for a few minutes and then get dressed and she would give me my discharge notes. 

And then, I was walking to the car. Punched ticket and discharge instructions in hand. 

I promise it will be worth it. 

Late night

All day today I've been feeling crampy. Apparently it's a side effect of the Ovidrel shot that Doc J's nurse gave me. Ovulation hurts, apparently? Even though it takes about 36 hours for ovulation to occur after the injection...so technically, i suppose the crampy feelings I've been having today could be from the Follistim I gave myself last night. Either way, let it be documented...crampy (new word, I'm the best).

 Scout and Jay have been at all of my appointments. She's been great for comic relief and helping me to stay focused on the meaning of this process. She is a constant reminder at what we are aiming for...another joyful, hilarious, amazing, totally precious child. Today was the first day she realized that I was getting treatment.

When the nurse came in with the injection, she offered to let me inject myself. I politely refused and Scout asked the nurse "Are you going to give her that shot?" The nurse said "yes, are you afraid of shots?" Scout replied with one of her usual anecdotes of "when I was a baby, I used to get shots." And then she said the most hilarious thing: "I wanna watch!" Jay is holding her in his lap and turning his head to the wall, and our brave 3 year old wants to see her momma in pain! Could not have asked for a more hilarious diversion.

 Today is (was?) my dad's birthday. :D Scout said she was going to buy him a bird house....so I guess I better get on that. Have I mentioned how I'm the worst at getting gifts to people on time. I still haven't sent my mom her birthday present. Will probably give it to her when she comes to SaMo next week. Oy, I'm the worst. Also, a happy birthday shout-out to my twinkie, Nicole. She's my sister-from-another-mister (and missus). We met at Freshman orientation and have been buddies ever since. So, happy 30th to her! 

Tomorrow at 3:00 is our first attempt at IUI. Please keep us in your thoughts at that time (5pm Texas Time). I'm really anxious.

Well, to bed. To rest. I think I have to go wake up Jay and have him move to our room....as I can hear him and Scout having a Snorefest in her room. Goodnight, all!

newsy news

SO, we recently returned from our 8 am appointment. The FSH worked! Shots in the stomach, FTW! Who knew? We are scheduled for a late afternoon IUI tomorrow. Tears of joy! Excitement!

goodnight

Last night, I was putting Scout to bed. She'd been bathed, read to, had her glass of milk and teeth brushed. She asked me to crawl into bed with her, and I did. As we lay with our heads on the pillows, she propped her chin up and said "So, what's your name?" I decided to play along and this is what she said.

Me: My name is mommy. What's your name?

Scout: OH! Great name! My name is "Fairy."

Me: Nice to meet you, Fairy.

Scout: So, do you have a problem?

Me: No, do you have a problem.

Scout: Yeah. My sister won't stop making sounds. She's like "SHhhhahehshhshshsssssssssssss."

Me: Oh my, well...did you try telling her "Please be quiet?"

Scout (flips over to other side): Sister, PLEASE be quiet?" (flips back over): Nope, that didn't work. She's so loud. I think she's asleep.

every day i'm hurdling.

Is that even a word?

Just returned from our appointment with Dr. J. Again,we are so impressed and at ease with his level of confidence in our chances. After today's appointment, we have a more clear picture of what may be happening every month. Looks like I'm not ovulating...even with the Clomid. My follicles aren't maturing at a rate that produces an egg. This month, with the help of the larger dose of Clomid, the initial stimulation was excellent and right on track. However, since Friday, the growth has stalled and my follicles are now only measuring around 16, 13 and 12 (remember, ovulation usually happens between 16-20mm at the earliest).

So what are we doing; what's next? Dr. J sent us home with injections of Follistim that I will give myself for the next two days. The shots give the follies extra FSH they need to keep growing at a rate of 1-2mm per day. Think of it as shots of Clomid given straight to the ovaries. I'm returning to his office on Wednesday for another shot that will trigger ovulation and then our IUI will likely happen on Thursday. Then, we leave town on Friday morning to head to the aTx.

My head is feeling foggy. I'm distressed by the lack of growth, but hopeful and optimistic at the same time. I like that we are doing everything we can at EVERY step of the way. I like that we are being monitored. It gives you less time to worry when you know what's going on. Jay is the best pep talker. After the doctor left our patient room, he asked me how I felt about everything. I said I was a little sad, but comfortable with the shots. He said he was just as confident that we have a good chance. He also pointed out something that I hadn't really noticed until this trip to SMF. We are by far the youngest couple in the office at any given time. We've got time and youth on our side, and everything else is perfectly healthy. I've got a hospitable environment for a developing fertilized egg. There is no issue with Jay's side of the equation at all. We've got great doctors.

I'm not excited about giving myself shots. In fact, I asked Jay if he thought he could give them to me. His response? "Oh god no, I'd pass out. I feel like passing out just thinking about it." What a stud. ;) I don't blame him. I'm feeling the same way. I'm waiting for my blood results to come back, and then they'll give me the "go ahead" for the Follistim.

For now, we are building Lego towers, making grape Jello, and painting our craft snakes we HAD to have from our Michael's shopping trip this weekend. Gotta say, I feel like I'm living the charmed life lately, despite all these hurdles.

Post edit: Neg LH test today. Injection wasn't so bad. I chickened out right before, and Scout was being needy at the time and I had to go into the bathroom and shut the door. As soon as I got in there, I gave myself a pep-talk and did it. I think I was more nervous about getting something wrong than I was about the actual pain. Jay got nauseous and had to sit on the couch at the thought of me doing it. Poor guy...

Another negative day. Still what I expected.

I'm feeling a few sharp pains every now and again....in both sides. But nothing that is too painful. I was also feeling a little dizzy earlier, but that's passed. We are taking it easy this weekend. Or, I guess, I am taking it easy.

Jay and I wanted to get a sitter last night so we could go on a date. We have a gift card for the Penthouse in Santa Monica that we haven't used yet. We couldn't get a sitter, but JBarton had a little surprise up his sleeve. He returned from the grocery store with salads, steaks, sides, desserts, and wine. We fed Scout her dinner, put her to bed and then had our own date night at home. We cleaned up and dressed nice (Lordy, I even got out of my yoga pants and into a dress!). We wanted to celebrate this time together.

The months ahead have the potential to be stressful. I could be extremely ill, like I was during the first trimester and a half of my pregnancy with Scout. We've got a few hurdles to jump and obstacles to get through, but in the end it will be all SO worth it. We can't wait for what the future holds, and last night was the perfect way to celebrate it. Mister H, you are the best. Looking forward to some more exciting news tomorrow!

Saturday

negative results today. As expected. I wasn't feeling too great last night, and went to bed pretty early. I slept pretty well, but woke up early morning with some abdominal discomfort. Nothing too bad. I can feel the growth of the follies on my right side, and that is what I believe the soreness is from...this is the side that had the largest ones.

Scout ran in our room this morning and jumped on her daddy and said "we can go to Disneyland now! I slept all by myself!" Which was hilarious at 6:45, let me tell ya. It was a cloudy, cool day all day. I stayed home and enjoyed some peace and quiet while Scout and Jay packed up and headed out the door to the Magical Kingdom. I went back to bed and slept until eleven (!!!). Then I got up and in the quiet of the condo, started getting things picked up and cleaned up. I mopped, and vacuumed (not in that order), did the dishes, and some laundry and managed to flip the couch over to get the annoying easy-skidding discs off the legs of the couch (something I've been meaning to do for about three months now). Did you know there are people in this world who pronounce the word "vacuum" like "vac-yu-um?" In the south, we say "vac-yoom." Or in my house we did.

Alright, carry on. As you were.

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hot flashes. grrrrrr.

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nauseous.

Another post where i rave about our REI specialist....

So relieved. So happy. So anxious. So excited. So emotional.

Today's doc appointment went marvelously. I'm so pleased with our doctor. He is so amazing. I love any experience where the person providing a service explains everything in minute detail. That sounds kinda funny. What I"m saying is: I like when my hair beautician tells me why she is cutting my hair a way that she is or coloring it the colors she thinks I should have. I love when my dentist tells me exactly what he's doing during a cavity fill or root canal. I love knowing what my REI is thinking in regards to our chances of conception this month. I love that he is a realist. He says "so we are learning a lot about you this month. We are also trying for a baby, but if nothing else, we are ultimately learning about your reproductive system. If you come back on Monday, and there's been a stall in your follicle growth, there are injections we can give you to stimulate them and push the eggs to ovulation. But you look right on track for IUI next Wednesday or so."

I'm so relieved, I can't even put it into words. And when I try, the only thing that comes out is ugly crying noises, tears and silly expressions. I've got 3-4 follicles that were measuring at about 12.5mm (CD/Cycle day 10). This is perfect. They typically grow at a rate of 1-2mm per day, and ovulation occurs as early as 16mm or as late as 20-21mm (Doc J also informed us that ovulation with Clomid patients usually happens seven days after stopping the pills---which would put us at Monday the 26th for ovulation). Our chances are looking great. I'm nervous and trying not to be too hopeful....but at the same time, positive thoughts....positive thoughts. I'm going to continue testing my LH and email them the results over the weekend and then go in on Monday for a check up to see how the follies (hehe) progressed over the weekend. Are you learning more about ovulation than you ever thought you would need to know? Good for you. :D

EDIT: Negative LH results today.

Dinner last night

We were having the same battle we've had every meal time for the last, oh I dunno....3 years.

J & me: Scout, eat your dinner.

J & me: Scout, eat your dinner.

J & me: Scout, eat your dinner. and stop playing.

Scout: I want to play with my metal detector. How many bites do I have to eat? Jack (her imag. friend today) ate all his dinner. And his mommy flies. No, I'm just kidding. She just walks, I guess. Mommy, get me DOWN!

J: Hey Scout (in his gentle daddy voice) If you want us to give you a baby brother or sister, you know...you're going to have to feed yourself your own food. Because mommy and daddy are going to have to feed the baby because it's a baby.

Scout: But can we go right now and get one?

J & me: *dead*

whoa

SO...
Started testing my LH today. Negative results. But that's what I expected. I'm not expecting it to be positive until this weekend, or early next week.

But I'm also crying. Ugh! Emotions. Tomorrow, we go in to measure the follicles. This is the day where we find out if the medicine really worked. Did it grow the follicles? Does it look like we are going to have a chance at IUI this month? Do we have to do the Clomid again next month? Grrr. So frustrating. I just remember the last time we went through this. We went in to measure the follicles, and they were not growing. They were smaller at day 11 than they should have been at day 2.

But, I'm going to keep with the positive thoughts. Going to hug my Clomid baby #1 and recite some affirmations. Chao!

blah wednesday

Scout and I are heading to the beach if I can get myself motivated. I've been a bit blah today....and I didn't sleep well last night. So I've basically been hanging out and falling asleep all over the place today. we shall see if the beach happens.

Night and Day

I had a wonderful night of sleep last night. I don't think I moved. I did wake up with a little bit of a headache, and a little dehydrated feeling which I think are related. There is some abdominal discomfort, but not really what I'd consider pain. But, other than that...no dizzyness...no nauseous feeling. Today, I got out of the house and drove for the first time in three days. It felt great. I was so jazzed to be out and about. Scout and I went to see Lion King with some friends...and man...I remember it being a whole lot less "doom and gloom"....the scene where Mufasa dies was a lot more tense and traumatic as a parent than as a kid. The last time I saw it I was in middle school or high school probably. The kids didn't seem too traumatized..Scout burst out with "I think he got killed. But I don't know why." She did cry during the movie, but only because I wouldn't buy her some M&Ms. Silly girl. Have I ever mentioned how she says "M&Ms?" It sounds like "un-e-uns," which I think is ha-lariously adorable. I love her.

So now, the testing game begins. In a couple of days I'll start testing for my ovulation. It's like a pregnancy test but instead of measuring HcG, it measures Lh. Now ya know. I have to start testing and call my REI's office every day with the result. I like that we are being walked through this process. Even though we've done it before, it is so comforting to have the experience of the doctor telling you what you are doing is correct or just having a nurse to double check things with and to bounce questions off of. I cannot recommend seeing a specialist enough.

Jay's tests came back okay so we are set to IUI as soon as I get a positive Lh result. Keep your fingers crossed!

Clomid Chronicles, Day 5

thank goodness for today. I'm almost done with this cycle of Clomid. No more pills, hopefully fewer side effects tomorrow. Feeling safe to drive again will be nice. Scout has been having a movie day today. Which is to say, she is fully functional as far as changing DVDs, and has been on a marathon since eight this morning. I'm feeling a bit nauseous and still really dizzy (I fell against the wall when I first got out of bed this morning). No nervous energy right now, though my fingers are making it difficult to type. I've had a dull headache off and on for about three days, but with a little Ibuprofen, it feels better. I remember that my appetite increased with this dosage the last time I took it, but this round I have been less hungry. I feel full all the time, even when my stomach is growling. There is some discomfort in my abdomen, but doesn't seen to be any bloating at this point which is good. On to the next step!

Clomid Chronicles, Day 4, pt. 2

Feeling horrible. Dizziness all day long...though it got a bit better just by walking around and trying to "fight" it.

I'm up now at midnight....trying to distract my mind. Because...right now. If I'm honest. It feels like someone is pulling on both of my arms...one in each direction. I'm tired. My body is tired. But my mind is racing. I'm emotional, I'm needy...I've been crying at the most random things. Out of no where. Nothing.

I'm thankful that I've not been ridiculously moody. No outbursts. I've been really trying to be brave with all the challenges that taking Clomid presents. It is a physical and mental drug. It has side effects that vary among the patients who take it. Want to feel discouraged? Read a single thread from a Clomid forum.

Tonight is just a bad night. I'm spiraling, but I know that it's almost over. One more day.

Clomid Chronicles, Day 4

Here we are. Day 4.

Feeling so dizzy. I can do nothing that makes the room stop spinning. Luckily, I don't feel nauseous. Just dizzy. A little out of it.

Sleep was fine last night. Nothing worse than the last couple of days. Lots of waking up, but only momentarily. Once or twice, it was the result of Scout waking up. I listened to Jay talk in his sleep again last night. He woke up and said "Noooo....it's not time yet!"

Lots of nervous energy plus dizzyness makes for some funny house cleaning. And trying to type is really hard. so, I'll put this down for now.

Clomid Chronicles, Day 3

So, day 3. Day 2 update first: around 1:00 I was feeling horrible. I spent the majority of the day between the couch and the bed, with a little time spent playing with Scout on the floor. Poor kid, she wanted to go to the park SO bad...but I could not get with the program. I felt awful, had a headache and upset stomach...then the nervous energy. I had this the last time with Clomid, and it was the side effect that made me not really want to do Clomid again. But here we are...because it is the best starting place. So yes, the nervous energy. I feel hyper active in my head...but SUPER sluggish in the body. Lethargic. I think this is what drugs must feel like. I don't know. SO...last night, Jay and I had talks about what we wanted to do this weekend. He proposed Disney. Or maybe I did..I can't remember. Either way....we ended up waking up and shooting out of bed this morning to get in the car to make it to Disneyland. Today was their Halloween opening day. It was awesome. That's another post. I told Jay that I was glad that we went because it gave me something to do with all my energy. I ignored the fact that I slept very little last night and trucked through the day. Scout was a trooper...she wanted to do a lot of new rides or rides that she previously was not thrilled about. She had a blast, and Jay and I got to ride a couple of "40 in. to ride" rides. All in all---it was a great day. I'm dreading the sleeplessness tonight...but at this point, I have to say...I've pretty much been dealing with this round of Clomid a bit better than the last time. On to day 4!

Clomid Chronicles, Day 2

Day 2 here. Woke up with an upset tummy, and a little tired. I had a little trouble sleeping last night, but nothing like the last time I was at this higher dosage. Also woke up to a rainy morning, a very nice surprise.

Realized yesterday that Dr. J gave me 100 mgs per day, not 50. So, a couple of hours after taking my first pill, I swallowed the second. Yesterday was a big day for Jay, and I'm so proud that he is my partner through this. Through this whole process, he has shown me over and over that the most important thing is his family. There is nothing that he does that isn't for us. He badly wants another baby, but more importantly, a sibling for Scout. He wants her to have that experience of growing up with your best friend and #1 nuisance.

We are amazed at this process, because it's different than anything we've done before. We are trying to keep it as organic and natural as possible, but it is hard when everything hinges on procedures, pills, ultrasounds, and blood tests. We love each other so much. I told him I had warm, fuzzy feelings about these next few months. Whether it works this month, or next...or the next, I'm just thankful that we have the opportunity to pursue this avenue. I'm thankful for our good doctor and nurses.

We are headed to Austin later this month to see my wonderful father in law before he starts his 27 month journey to Tanzania to work with the Peace Corp. It wouldn't be complete without a little snag, and we had to change our flights because our timing could not have been worse. Our IUI would have landed square in the middle of the week we were supposed to be gone. I love our families. Everyone has been so understanding of our situation, and told us "Don't worry. We'll do what we have to do to see you guys when you can get out here." That being said, we are flying to Austin the weekend before Glenn leaves, and I know that Jay already feels like it's not going to be enough time. We miss our family, and somehow seeing one of our members leave the country for a couple of years is even harder. We couldn't be more proud of him and his decision to go, but he will be missed and thought of daily.

More tomorrow....

Clomid Chronicles, Day 1

Day 1.
Woke up this morning with a nauseous stomach...but proceeded with my day. Got up and made breakfast for the family. Took vitamins (gagged a little), ate my breakfast and took the first 50 mg Clomid. Feeling fine-ish; a little tired and craving a big coffee or a nap.

Scout woke up early this morning, crying for me. Jay was still up working on a project for work, so I went into her room and asked if she wanted to come lay down with me in my bed (I never...i mean, NEVER do this anymore). She said she did, so we cuddled up in my bed. She told me she loved me (SO MUCH) and quickly fell asleep.

You never get a lot of rest when you sleep with Scout. But, the bonus is waking up to some sweet cuddles.