The way 3 yr olds understand pregnancy

We've been trying to give Scout an age-appropriate and somewhat realistic view of what's going to happen in the next few months.  I think it's sinking in. She was playing (refusing to clean up her toys) before bedtime tonight and ran into her room with an "OH MY GOODNESS! Mommy! The baby came out of your tummy and is playing with all my toys!"  To which, Jay explained that the baby wouldn't "be coming out of mommy's tummy for quite some time. Because the baby needs to grow. And mommy's tummy is going to grow. Want to see what that looks like?" 

So we pulled up the pictures of my pregnancy with Scout (there are few and yes, the quality is this bad, and no, I didn't wear make up for these). We showed her this one (as to not traumatize her with the very biggest tummy picture).

Babies, babies, babies! 10.jpg

Then we showed her this one. 

Babies, babies, babies! 13.jpg

Then, this one.

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That's when Scout said "OH NO! What if she POPS?!" Then we all fell over on the floor from laughing. 

I've been feeling a little bit more sick since last week. Yesterday was NOT a good day.  I couldn't look at anything without wanting to throw up. So when Scout asked for lunch....I trucked over to the kitchen (a room seldom visited in the last couple of days by my body)....opened the fridge, and tried to bribe her with a bowl of cereal. Nuh-uh. No way, mom. So I found some spaghetti sauce and decided to make some pasta. As I was waiting for the water to boil, I leaned against the fridge. Scout saw this and came in and this is what happened:

"What are you doing, mom?"

"Trying not to throw up or pass out." 

"Oh no, you're not going to throw up AGAIN! You'll throw up the baby!" 

Yeah...I think she's totally getting it.

Tonight she hugged me and said "Mom. You know what? Your jellies are getting bigger."

Kids. They don't lack brutal honesty. 


I woke up this morning and had 10,015 views! Guys! :D I promise I'll be writing soon. Lots going on over here. 

Things that break your heart

Scout has been telling me that she wants to be a little baby again. I think it's because we've been showing her the ultrasound pictures when she was in my tummy. We are trying to prep her for what she's going to see at our u/s this Monday. 

 Now, she's told me this before. I think I even blogged about it. But this time, it was SO sad. She crawled in my lap tonight, all snuggly in her new fleece footy pjs. She closed her eyes tight and said "I wish, I wish that I could be a baby again." The girl then held her hand out in front of her face and asked "Am I smaller, mommy?"

Trying to make light of the situation, I grabbed her hand and inspected it thoroughly for about two minutes and then said, "I'm afraid you're getting bigger with every minute." 

She cried out in protest, but there was nothing to be done. I wrapped my arms around her and told her the only thing I knew would calm her down (like so many moms around the world, for ages and ages have done). 

"No matter how big you'll always be my little baby." 


giving thanks

I'm thankful for: my family. I have a doting husband, an adorable daughter, supportive parents and a pain-in-the-neck brother who loves me enough to razz me about my cooking. 

I'm thankful for: oyster crackers and water. It's the only thing that got me out of bed this morning. 

I'm thankful for: morning sickness. It reminds me of the life growing inside me. A life I love already. 

I'm thankful for: my husband's fantastic job. We've had an incredible year. SO much has changed and we are having a blast. All that was made possible by his employer and I'm so thankful for that. Hand-in-hand with that...

I'm thankful for: a hardworking husband (yeah, he gets two mentions). He has always worked hard, and is so good at what he does, and that affords us life's little dryer sheets and new cars, trips to Disneyland and food on our table. Plus, it's soooooo cute when he says things that are nerdy. 

I'm most thankful today for: women who've taught me to cook. My grandparents, my mom and my sisters have all taught me so much that I felt so confident in every little thing I did to prepare for my first Thanksgiving meal. Even though I cooked the entire thing alone, in my tiny little kitchen, I felt like I was surrounded by my family. I felt my Mim's presence when making whipped cream and chex mix. I felt my Mamaw's presence when making the stuffing and cranberry sauce. I felt my mom's presence when I smelled the sweet potato casserole baking in the oven. I felt Amanda's presence when dressing the turkey. I felt Allie's presence in the desserts. Jay's grandmother and my great-grandmother were in my mind too today when I made hard-boiled eggs and set out the tray with pickles/olives/okra in it. I'm so glad I decided to make Thanksgiving dinner instead of BBQ or something else. I really felt the love in every bite. I guess that's why they call it comfort food. 

Thank you, friends and family...for making this a tremendous life. 



This Soul Pancake video got me thinking. Who would I thank if I had the chance? If I had a big microphone and could say "thank you" to someone who changed my life in a BIG way, who would I recognize?

It didn't take long to come up with an answer: my dad. 

When I was in the fourth grade, I went to stay the night at a friend's house. The next day, I was woken up, I'm sure I had breakfast or something and then I was told to go home. Kinda weird, but I lost memory of some of the details. I remember walking home from that friends house (two houses down) and seeing my grandparents' (both sets) cars in the driveway. I immediately thought something was wrong. And in my own little world, at that was. My dad was entering a rehab facility in Cushing, Oklahoma and would be gone through the holidays. That means, he'd miss Christmas with my family. He'd miss New Years. But, what he would gain in return was so worth it. 

Though I am the worst at remembering birthdays (I just sent my mom her birthday present. It was in July), anniversaries (I had to stop using ours as codes for things b/c I can't remember the date) and social security numbers, I usually find the time during the year to say "thank you." Sometimes I call him on his sobriety birthday. Sometimes I hear a story about how alcohol or drugs has ruined/impacted someone's life and I feel the need to call my dad and thank him. But it's never been in a BIG way. So now, without further ado: 

To my dad. Thank you for your sobriety. Thank you for your determination. Thank you for living your life "one day at a time." Thank you for choosing our family instead of your addiction. From that moment on, I never had to question your love for us. And now, 19 years later (!!!!)...I cannot tell you how proud I am. It hasn't been easy...and to see you go through some of the things you've gone through in the last 19 years has been hard. But I know how strong you are, and how dedicated you are to recovery and for that I am thankful. To see the way you have taken your sobriety and have helped others in the community, is so inspiring. At local AA meetings, taking people to Cushing or other treatment facilities, or sponsoring others who are just getting started with their sober've changed lives. Thank you for being such an amazing dad and role model. I'm so thankful for you. 

And now to pay it forward. If you or someone you know is struggling with their battle with drugs or alcohol, call (800)544-5101. 


(This blog entry was written on 11-11-11)

V-day. Veterans' Day. A kind "thank you" to all of those who serve or have served in all branches of the military. Today, I'm thinking of my grandfather, my brother-in-law (and his dad), my uncle, my cousin, my friends and my friend's spouses.

V-day. Verdict day. Today is the day. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. after having a vivid dream that I took a pregnancy test. It was "positive." I ran and told Jay, and our moms and dads, our siblings, and our friends. And then, I looked at the test again, and realized I'd read it wrong. It was in fact, negative. Such a vivid dream shook me from a relatively pleasant slumber. 

Then Scout woke up at 3:30. She said "hey mom, i'm hungry. Want to go camping? Can you take off my jacket?" I put her back in bed and then snuck out with an excuse to "go to the bathroom." I thought about testing right then. But I decided to wait until I was able to turn on the lights because I didn't want to disturb those who were still peacefully slumbering. 

My sneakiness didn't buy me much time. As soon as I was snug back in my bed, curled up and drifting off to sleep...."MOM! MOM! What are you DOING?" So back I went. She was wide awake. I helped her find "Boo," and snuggled up next to her, realizing I was in it for the long haul. Scout finally went back to sleep, and so did I. 

We woke up at 7. My first train of thought was "I'm hungry, too. Like mother, like daughter." Then, I realized I hadn't tested in the middle of the night....better go do that. As soon as the test started signifying a change, I realized it was a "+" sign. I had long thrown away the box, and didn't know if that really meant I was pregnant. I ran into the living room with the test in hand, Scout scuttling around under my feet. I pulled up EPT's website to double-check my suspicions. I still was thinking it looked too good to be true. But there it was....a giant blue "+." Jay yelled out: "What's the verdict?" 

I grabbed Scout's hand and took the test in to show Jay. I couldn't stop smiling as I asked him, "does that look like a plus sign to you?" He also smiled and said that it did, and asked what our next step was going to be. Then murmured something about needing a bigger boat. Hugs and kisses all around. Excitement, but slight hesitation. We have been waiting for so long. I've tested so many months only to get a negative result. I was slightly in shock. I still am. As I type this, I feel like mush. (We haven't told anyone yet, because we are waiting on blood results. As soon as those are back, we'll let family know and then I'll be posting this entry.) 

I, of course, called my doctor at 8 and went in for blood tests. Things are looking good, and our due date is going to be around July 20th. It's amazing what a little positive thinking can lead to. We are officially 4 weeks pregnant.

Some very, very, very, VERY happy Holzers. 

radio silence//awol//m.i.a., for good reason

If your theory is "no news is good news..." well, you're right. 

Baby #2 is due July 20th(ish)! Feeling so, so, so happy/relieved/excited/tired/hungry/thirsty/ecstatic/alive.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for later this month, and will know more then. Blood levels were tested on Friday, and everything looks good..."strong" as the doctor put it.

Until then, thank you. Thank you for your support these last few months (and years, for those who've known longer). Thank you for your positive thinking, crossed fingers, good energy, prayers and light. 

Passing the time

Things we did while waiting for the last two weeks:
3 trips to disneyland
2 l.a. galaxy games
Double date night
Texans in Cali
11 loads of laundry
2 trips to the grocery store
2 trips to Costco
6 loads of dishes
countless hours spent wondering


Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for checking up on me this week. The emails, messages, cards and calls have been greatly appreciated. It's definitely a time for we await Friday. Your notes of encouragement and enlightenment have been a considerable help in keeping a positive outlook. Thanks for it all! Much love!

random funnies from the 3 year old

Scout has been very descriptive about how things taste lately. If she doesn't like it, she says it "tastes like cashews, nuts, or peanut butter." This is because we've told her that she can't have anything that has these components since she is really allergic. If she likes the way something tastes, she says it "tastes like honey!"

Scout told me I was a genius after I made her some mummy sandwiches (hotdogs wrapped up in crescent roll dough to look like mummies). She said something like "HOW did you make these? You are SO genius."

After her productive evening of trick-or-treat, she sat down in the living room, surrounded by candy and threw her arms in the air saying "Let's have a CELEBRATION!" So we gathered together on the floor and she passed out candy to everyone and said "let's enjoy!" Jay brought his wallet and "bought candy" from her. He gave her a dollar for every two pieces of candy she gave him. Soon, she had four dollars and was excited to go to the pharmacy to buy a Minnie Mouse junior laptop she's had her eye on for a month. Jay pulled out his next bill and it was a ten dollar bill- easily worth three pieces of candy! Between the candy sale and us taking the peanut butter/peanut candies from her, she was still left with a few pieces of candy to enjoy for all of her hard work and excellent manners.

She has randomly started a new habit of trying to chew on her hair. I remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. So funny to see those habits surface in your children. And also, gross.

The morning after Halloween, Scout tried to negotiate her way into some candy for breakfast. She tried every excuse in the book. When that failed, she went for the sneak....she said "mom, just put that blanket on your head and don't peek!" Then she climbed up on her step stool and tried to reach the bowl of candy on top of the shelf. That didn't work either, in case you were wondering. Sometimes she reminds me of my brother so much. He probably totally tried the same thing as a kid.

She's always keeping us on our toes!

looking back, Halloween

I've been being nostalgic today, looking at pictures of Scout's first Halloween and comparing them to this year. Here's my favorite pumpkin patch picture from Halloween 2008. This was taken at the Elgin Christmas Tree Farm, where we also used to get our Christmas trees every year. We loved taking this trip with family to the little farm and seeing the animals, finding the pumpkins, and bouncing along on the hayrides. 

first halloween

And here is my favorite shot from this year's pumpkin patch. Scout and I drove up with friends Jennifer and Cashel to visit this farm just outside of Los Angeles. It was a gorgeous day, and the kids had so much fun. I was worried that we were going to have to take her to one of those sad little pumpkin patches they put in a parking lot. Thank goodness for good friends who know the secrets about raising kids in the city, and day trips to outside the city.