on having kids.

I think I've said this before, somewhere on this blog...but I want to preface this entire post with the disclaimer that I don't think I'm better than anyone because I've had kids. There. I said it. And with that...

You think you know what music is...then you hear the first cry of your newborn baby. 

You think you know what life is...then you bring one into the world. 

You think you know what birthdays are about...then you experience a birth. 

You think you know what love is...and then you see your four year old kiss her baby sister on the head 12,000 times a day. 

You think you know what serving others is...and then you care for a newborn baby 24 hours a day. 

You think you know what selflessness is... until your sole purpose for eating, drinking and breathing is to feed a child. 

You think you know what tired is...until you've been woken from a deep sleep at 3 in the morning by the grunting and groaning of a 3-week-old who is hungry. 

You think you know what fear is...until you fear for the safety of your children. 

You think you know what pride is...then you see your happy and thriving children traversing through this world. 

So much changes when a baby is born. It's not because you change as a person...because you always held the capacity to BE the person you are now. But when a helpless child is your responsibility, you look at the world through a new lens; a sharper, clearer, magnified focus. I feel so much love on a daily basis that my heart has grown larger than my self...larger than this house...larger than this city that we live in. With all that we have gone through for the last four years....to get to this place...this destination that is "the rest of our lives".....parenthood...I just...the words fail me. "Blessed" is too vague. "Lucky" doesn't even touch it. "Fortunate" is too cheap. 

Thank you, to the man who loves me...who helped make all this possible...who shares the job, duty, and pleasure of being parents to two(!) amazing little girls. Isn't this the best? 

The way 3 yr olds understand pregnancy

We've been trying to give Scout an age-appropriate and somewhat realistic view of what's going to happen in the next few months.  I think it's sinking in. She was playing (refusing to clean up her toys) before bedtime tonight and ran into her room with an "OH MY GOODNESS! Mommy! The baby came out of your tummy and is playing with all my toys!"  To which, Jay explained that the baby wouldn't "be coming out of mommy's tummy for quite some time. Because the baby needs to grow. And mommy's tummy is going to grow. Want to see what that looks like?" 

So we pulled up the pictures of my pregnancy with Scout (there are few and yes, the quality is this bad, and no, I didn't wear make up for these). We showed her this one (as to not traumatize her with the very biggest tummy picture).

Then we showed her this one. 

Then, this one.



That's when Scout said "OH NO! What if she POPS?!" Then we all fell over on the floor from laughing. 

I've been feeling a little bit more sick since last week. Yesterday was NOT a good day.  I couldn't look at anything without wanting to throw up. So when Scout asked for lunch....I trucked over to the kitchen (a room seldom visited in the last couple of days by my body)....opened the fridge, and tried to bribe her with a bowl of cereal. Nuh-uh. No way, mom. So I found some spaghetti sauce and decided to make some pasta. As I was waiting for the water to boil, I leaned against the fridge. Scout saw this and came in and this is what happened:

"What are you doing, mom?"

"Trying not to throw up or pass out." 

"Oh no, you're not going to throw up AGAIN! You'll throw up the baby!" 

Yeah...I think she's totally getting it.

Tonight she hugged me and said "Mom. You know what? Your jellies are getting bigger."

Kids. They don't lack brutal honesty. 

giving thanks

I'm thankful for: my family. I have a doting husband, an adorable daughter, supportive parents and a pain-in-the-neck brother who loves me enough to razz me about my cooking. 

I'm thankful for: oyster crackers and water. It's the only thing that got me out of bed this morning. 

I'm thankful for: morning sickness. It reminds me of the life growing inside me. A life I love already. 

I'm thankful for: my husband's fantastic job. We've had an incredible year. SO much has changed and we are having a blast. All that was made possible by his employer and I'm so thankful for that. Hand-in-hand with that...

I'm thankful for: a hardworking husband (yeah, he gets two mentions). He has always worked hard, and is so good at what he does, and that affords us life's little luxuries...like dryer sheets and new cars, trips to Disneyland and food on our table. Plus, it's soooooo cute when he says things that are nerdy. 

I'm most thankful today for: women who've taught me to cook. My grandparents, my mom and my sisters have all taught me so much that I felt so confident in every little thing I did to prepare for my first Thanksgiving meal. Even though I cooked the entire thing alone, in my tiny little kitchen, I felt like I was surrounded by my family. I felt my Mim's presence when making whipped cream and chex mix. I felt my Mamaw's presence when making the stuffing and cranberry sauce. I felt my mom's presence when I smelled the sweet potato casserole baking in the oven. I felt Amanda's presence when dressing the turkey. I felt Allie's presence in the desserts. Jay's grandmother and my great-grandmother were in my mind too today when I made hard-boiled eggs and set out the tray with pickles/olives/okra in it. I'm so glad I decided to make Thanksgiving dinner instead of BBQ or something else. I really felt the love in every bite. I guess that's why they call it comfort food. 

Thank you, friends and family...for making this a tremendous life. 

Texas trip, in instagram pictures

fertility and intelligence

Joking about dire situations is one of the most common ways of dealing with a difficult experience. Here's a joke you can make about your fertility issues: If you're having trouble with conceiving, it's likely that you are of higher intelligence than your "fertile Myrtle" counterparts. I read it here (and you know, wikipedia never lies). Ha! 

wrapping up the past few days...

My father in law is off to pursue great things. He left yesterday for Pennsylvania for five or six days, and then is heading to Tanzania for 27 months. He has joined the Peace Corps, and we, as a family, are SO proud of him. What an ambitious endeavor. I cannot imagine packing up and leaving the house you've been living in for over 20 years to head to a fourth-world country. What a courageous thing to do. He seems so excited and ready to take on the challenge. If anyone could do it, it'd be him. 

I have arrived at my brother's house in Leander and must say....I didn't realize how much I was looking forward to relaxing on their comfy couch. This sucker has been calling my name almost all day. I took Scout to get her hair cut today, and it looks adorable. She didn't want to cut it short, so we left it long and just cleaned up the cut. 

I've been feeling a little icky today....tired and want to take a nap. Our allergies have flared up and we are both feeling a little stuffy and gross today as well. Welcome back to Central Texas! 

More later. 

hi there!

Oh hi, 

Been sitting on pins and needles much? We are in Georgetown, and spending as much quality time with our family as we can while also battling a little bit of jet lag and dehydration. Didn't plan on that last one. The dry air (even in this humid part of Texas) is stifling. 

We landed in Austin, and gathered our luggage. We hit up the rental car desk and grabbed keys to our Hyundai sedan. We jumped in the car and headed to feed our mexican-food-deprived stomachs. We met up with friends over salsa and chips and carne guisada. We went to the record store to satisfy our indie music cravings and Hey Cupcake! to satisfy our sweet teeth. 

Then we made a bee-line for Georgetown to be with our family. Things are really great right now. It feels good to be surrounded with cousins, siblings, in-laws, grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends. 

Late night

All day today I've been feeling crampy. Apparently it's a side effect of the Ovidrel shot that Doc J's nurse gave me. Ovulation hurts, apparently? Even though it takes about 36 hours for ovulation to occur after the injection...so technically, i suppose the crampy feelings I've been having today could be from the Follistim I gave myself last night. Either way, let it be documented...crampy (new word, I'm the best).

 Scout and Jay have been at all of my appointments. She's been great for comic relief and helping me to stay focused on the meaning of this process. She is a constant reminder at what we are aiming for...another joyful, hilarious, amazing, totally precious child. Today was the first day she realized that I was getting treatment.

When the nurse came in with the injection, she offered to let me inject myself. I politely refused and Scout asked the nurse "Are you going to give her that shot?" The nurse said "yes, are you afraid of shots?" Scout replied with one of her usual anecdotes of "when I was a baby, I used to get shots." And then she said the most hilarious thing: "I wanna watch!" Jay is holding her in his lap and turning his head to the wall, and our brave 3 year old wants to see her momma in pain! Could not have asked for a more hilarious diversion.

 Today is (was?) my dad's birthday. :D Scout said she was going to buy him a bird house....so I guess I better get on that. Have I mentioned how I'm the worst at getting gifts to people on time. I still haven't sent my mom her birthday present. Will probably give it to her when she comes to SaMo next week. Oy, I'm the worst. Also, a happy birthday shout-out to my twinkie, Nicole. She's my sister-from-another-mister (and missus). We met at Freshman orientation and have been buddies ever since. So, happy 30th to her! 

Tomorrow at 3:00 is our first attempt at IUI. Please keep us in your thoughts at that time (5pm Texas Time). I'm really anxious.

Well, to bed. To rest. I think I have to go wake up Jay and have him move to our room....as I can hear him and Scout having a Snorefest in her room. Goodnight, all!

newsy news

SO, we recently returned from our 8 am appointment. The FSH worked! Shots in the stomach, FTW! Who knew? We are scheduled for a late afternoon IUI tomorrow. Tears of joy! Excitement!

goodnight

Last night, I was putting Scout to bed. She'd been bathed, read to, had her glass of milk and teeth brushed. She asked me to crawl into bed with her, and I did. As we lay with our heads on the pillows, she propped her chin up and said "So, what's your name?" I decided to play along and this is what she said.

Me: My name is mommy. What's your name?

Scout: OH! Great name! My name is "Fairy."

Me: Nice to meet you, Fairy.

Scout: So, do you have a problem?

Me: No, do you have a problem.

Scout: Yeah. My sister won't stop making sounds. She's like "SHhhhahehshhshshsssssssssssss."

Me: Oh my, well...did you try telling her "Please be quiet?"

Scout (flips over to other side): Sister, PLEASE be quiet?" (flips back over): Nope, that didn't work. She's so loud. I think she's asleep.

every day i'm hurdling.

Is that even a word?

Just returned from our appointment with Dr. J. Again,we are so impressed and at ease with his level of confidence in our chances. After today's appointment, we have a more clear picture of what may be happening every month. Looks like I'm not ovulating...even with the Clomid. My follicles aren't maturing at a rate that produces an egg. This month, with the help of the larger dose of Clomid, the initial stimulation was excellent and right on track. However, since Friday, the growth has stalled and my follicles are now only measuring around 16, 13 and 12 (remember, ovulation usually happens between 16-20mm at the earliest).

So what are we doing; what's next? Dr. J sent us home with injections of Follistim that I will give myself for the next two days. The shots give the follies extra FSH they need to keep growing at a rate of 1-2mm per day. Think of it as shots of Clomid given straight to the ovaries. I'm returning to his office on Wednesday for another shot that will trigger ovulation and then our IUI will likely happen on Thursday. Then, we leave town on Friday morning to head to the aTx.

My head is feeling foggy. I'm distressed by the lack of growth, but hopeful and optimistic at the same time. I like that we are doing everything we can at EVERY step of the way. I like that we are being monitored. It gives you less time to worry when you know what's going on. Jay is the best pep talker. After the doctor left our patient room, he asked me how I felt about everything. I said I was a little sad, but comfortable with the shots. He said he was just as confident that we have a good chance. He also pointed out something that I hadn't really noticed until this trip to SMF. We are by far the youngest couple in the office at any given time. We've got time and youth on our side, and everything else is perfectly healthy. I've got a hospitable environment for a developing fertilized egg. There is no issue with Jay's side of the equation at all. We've got great doctors.

I'm not excited about giving myself shots. In fact, I asked Jay if he thought he could give them to me. His response? "Oh god no, I'd pass out. I feel like passing out just thinking about it." What a stud. ;) I don't blame him. I'm feeling the same way. I'm waiting for my blood results to come back, and then they'll give me the "go ahead" for the Follistim.

For now, we are building Lego towers, making grape Jello, and painting our craft snakes we HAD to have from our Michael's shopping trip this weekend. Gotta say, I feel like I'm living the charmed life lately, despite all these hurdles.

Post edit: Neg LH test today. Injection wasn't so bad. I chickened out right before, and Scout was being needy at the time and I had to go into the bathroom and shut the door. As soon as I got in there, I gave myself a pep-talk and did it. I think I was more nervous about getting something wrong than I was about the actual pain. Jay got nauseous and had to sit on the couch at the thought of me doing it. Poor guy...

Another negative day. Still what I expected.

I'm feeling a few sharp pains every now and again....in both sides. But nothing that is too painful. I was also feeling a little dizzy earlier, but that's passed. We are taking it easy this weekend. Or, I guess, I am taking it easy.

Jay and I wanted to get a sitter last night so we could go on a date. We have a gift card for the Penthouse in Santa Monica that we haven't used yet. We couldn't get a sitter, but JBarton had a little surprise up his sleeve. He returned from the grocery store with salads, steaks, sides, desserts, and wine. We fed Scout her dinner, put her to bed and then had our own date night at home. We cleaned up and dressed nice (Lordy, I even got out of my yoga pants and into a dress!). We wanted to celebrate this time together.

The months ahead have the potential to be stressful. I could be extremely ill, like I was during the first trimester and a half of my pregnancy with Scout. We've got a few hurdles to jump and obstacles to get through, but in the end it will be all SO worth it. We can't wait for what the future holds, and last night was the perfect way to celebrate it. Mister H, you are the best. Looking forward to some more exciting news tomorrow!

Another post where i rave about our REI specialist....

So relieved. So happy. So anxious. So excited. So emotional.

Today's doc appointment went marvelously. I'm so pleased with our doctor. He is so amazing. I love any experience where the person providing a service explains everything in minute detail. That sounds kinda funny. What I"m saying is: I like when my hair beautician tells me why she is cutting my hair a way that she is or coloring it the colors she thinks I should have. I love when my dentist tells me exactly what he's doing during a cavity fill or root canal. I love knowing what my REI is thinking in regards to our chances of conception this month. I love that he is a realist. He says "so we are learning a lot about you this month. We are also trying for a baby, but if nothing else, we are ultimately learning about your reproductive system. If you come back on Monday, and there's been a stall in your follicle growth, there are injections we can give you to stimulate them and push the eggs to ovulation. But you look right on track for IUI next Wednesday or so."

I'm so relieved, I can't even put it into words. And when I try, the only thing that comes out is ugly crying noises, tears and silly expressions. I've got 3-4 follicles that were measuring at about 12.5mm (CD/Cycle day 10). This is perfect. They typically grow at a rate of 1-2mm per day, and ovulation occurs as early as 16mm or as late as 20-21mm (Doc J also informed us that ovulation with Clomid patients usually happens seven days after stopping the pills---which would put us at Monday the 26th for ovulation). Our chances are looking great. I'm nervous and trying not to be too hopeful....but at the same time, positive thoughts....positive thoughts. I'm going to continue testing my LH and email them the results over the weekend and then go in on Monday for a check up to see how the follies (hehe) progressed over the weekend. Are you learning more about ovulation than you ever thought you would need to know? Good for you. :D

EDIT: Negative LH results today.

whoa

SO...
Started testing my LH today. Negative results. But that's what I expected. I'm not expecting it to be positive until this weekend, or early next week.

But I'm also crying. Ugh! Emotions. Tomorrow, we go in to measure the follicles. This is the day where we find out if the medicine really worked. Did it grow the follicles? Does it look like we are going to have a chance at IUI this month? Do we have to do the Clomid again next month? Grrr. So frustrating. I just remember the last time we went through this. We went in to measure the follicles, and they were not growing. They were smaller at day 11 than they should have been at day 2.

But, I'm going to keep with the positive thoughts. Going to hug my Clomid baby #1 and recite some affirmations. Chao!

blah wednesday

Scout and I are heading to the beach if I can get myself motivated. I've been a bit blah today....and I didn't sleep well last night. So I've basically been hanging out and falling asleep all over the place today. we shall see if the beach happens.

Night and Day

I had a wonderful night of sleep last night. I don't think I moved. I did wake up with a little bit of a headache, and a little dehydrated feeling which I think are related. There is some abdominal discomfort, but not really what I'd consider pain. But, other than that...no dizzyness...no nauseous feeling. Today, I got out of the house and drove for the first time in three days. It felt great. I was so jazzed to be out and about. Scout and I went to see Lion King with some friends...and man...I remember it being a whole lot less "doom and gloom"....the scene where Mufasa dies was a lot more tense and traumatic as a parent than as a kid. The last time I saw it I was in middle school or high school probably. The kids didn't seem too traumatized..Scout burst out with "I think he got killed. But I don't know why." She did cry during the movie, but only because I wouldn't buy her some M&Ms. Silly girl. Have I ever mentioned how she says "M&Ms?" It sounds like "un-e-uns," which I think is ha-lariously adorable. I love her.

So now, the testing game begins. In a couple of days I'll start testing for my ovulation. It's like a pregnancy test but instead of measuring HcG, it measures Lh. Now ya know. I have to start testing and call my REI's office every day with the result. I like that we are being walked through this process. Even though we've done it before, it is so comforting to have the experience of the doctor telling you what you are doing is correct or just having a nurse to double check things with and to bounce questions off of. I cannot recommend seeing a specialist enough.

Jay's tests came back okay so we are set to IUI as soon as I get a positive Lh result. Keep your fingers crossed!

Clomid Chronicles, Day 5

thank goodness for today. I'm almost done with this cycle of Clomid. No more pills, hopefully fewer side effects tomorrow. Feeling safe to drive again will be nice. Scout has been having a movie day today. Which is to say, she is fully functional as far as changing DVDs, and has been on a marathon since eight this morning. I'm feeling a bit nauseous and still really dizzy (I fell against the wall when I first got out of bed this morning). No nervous energy right now, though my fingers are making it difficult to type. I've had a dull headache off and on for about three days, but with a little Ibuprofen, it feels better. I remember that my appetite increased with this dosage the last time I took it, but this round I have been less hungry. I feel full all the time, even when my stomach is growling. There is some discomfort in my abdomen, but doesn't seen to be any bloating at this point which is good. On to the next step!

Clomid Chronicles, Day 4, pt. 2

Feeling horrible. Dizziness all day long...though it got a bit better just by walking around and trying to "fight" it.

I'm up now at midnight....trying to distract my mind. Because...right now. If I'm honest. It feels like someone is pulling on both of my arms...one in each direction. I'm tired. My body is tired. But my mind is racing. I'm emotional, I'm needy...I've been crying at the most random things. Out of no where. Nothing.

I'm thankful that I've not been ridiculously moody. No outbursts. I've been really trying to be brave with all the challenges that taking Clomid presents. It is a physical and mental drug. It has side effects that vary among the patients who take it. Want to feel discouraged? Read a single thread from a Clomid forum.

Tonight is just a bad night. I'm spiraling, but I know that it's almost over. One more day.

Clomid Chronicles, Day 4

Here we are. Day 4.

Feeling so dizzy. I can do nothing that makes the room stop spinning. Luckily, I don't feel nauseous. Just dizzy. A little out of it.

Sleep was fine last night. Nothing worse than the last couple of days. Lots of waking up, but only momentarily. Once or twice, it was the result of Scout waking up. I listened to Jay talk in his sleep again last night. He woke up and said "Noooo....it's not time yet!"

Lots of nervous energy plus dizzyness makes for some funny house cleaning. And trying to type is really hard. so, I'll put this down for now.

Clomid Chronicles, Day 3

So, day 3. Day 2 update first: around 1:00 I was feeling horrible. I spent the majority of the day between the couch and the bed, with a little time spent playing with Scout on the floor. Poor kid, she wanted to go to the park SO bad...but I could not get with the program. I felt awful, had a headache and upset stomach...then the nervous energy. I had this the last time with Clomid, and it was the side effect that made me not really want to do Clomid again. But here we are...because it is the best starting place. So yes, the nervous energy. I feel hyper active in my head...but SUPER sluggish in the body. Lethargic. I think this is what drugs must feel like. I don't know. SO...last night, Jay and I had talks about what we wanted to do this weekend. He proposed Disney. Or maybe I did..I can't remember. Either way....we ended up waking up and shooting out of bed this morning to get in the car to make it to Disneyland. Today was their Halloween opening day. It was awesome. That's another post. I told Jay that I was glad that we went because it gave me something to do with all my energy. I ignored the fact that I slept very little last night and trucked through the day. Scout was a trooper...she wanted to do a lot of new rides or rides that she previously was not thrilled about. She had a blast, and Jay and I got to ride a couple of "40 in. to ride" rides. All in all---it was a great day. I'm dreading the sleeplessness tonight...but at this point, I have to say...I've pretty much been dealing with this round of Clomid a bit better than the last time. On to day 4!