So much.

On the day she was born, our lives changed. I didn't quite grasp the magnitude of it at the time, but a few short hours of her existence in this world later...we were different. We were parents.

I remember when the family and friends left the hospital that night, and it was just Jay and Scout and myself left in the hospital room. The nurse came in to take Scout to the nursery for a check-up and recommended that  I get up and do some walking around. Jay and I took a stroll around L&D and as we rounded a corner, there was a nurse pushing a bassinet towards the nursery in our direction. As she walked by with another little baby, it struck both Jay and I at the same time..."that could be our baby, and we wouldn't know it yet because we don't know her cry or her face well enough yet." We hadn't memorized the sounds and the sights of our little girl yet. That is a really strange feeling. 

I'm not sure when that happened...somewhere over the next few days. I studied her. I soaked in all the little gurgles and the crying and the sighs and the sleeping noises that she made as a newborn. I memorized her face. I learned her schedule and her timing and her signs and signals. I learned what she needed. I became her mom. 

For the next few years, as I watched her learn and grow and change...I struggled with the thoughts of having another baby. I wanted to give her someone to share her childhood with. I wanted her to have a built-in best friend and playmate. I wanted to see her as a big sister. But at the same time, I wrestled with the guilt. How could I change her life and routine and her everything? How could I love another child as much as I love her? How could I split my time between Scout and another child? How is it even possible to possess twice the amount of love that I have for Scout? 

As time went by, of course, I put these thoughts to rest with the reassurance from friends and family that "you just do." I know now what they mean. I still look at Scout and get awestruck. She says things and does things that amaze me. I can watch her while she plays or learns something new and feel such a deep sense of pride that I didn't realize was there before. I love that kid. 

Jay and I were driving in the car one day a month ago or so...and Scout was in the back seat, being beautiful and charming and adorable as usual...playing at something...lost in her own world of imagination. I looked at Jay and said...."sometimes when I look at her, I stop breathing. She's just so perfect." I asked him if it was like that for him. He reached over and squeezed my hand. So much love in our hearts for this girl...I can't wait to feel that way with the next. 

35 weeks 1 day

Thirty five weeks I've been carrying you with me. I've been feeling you move and twist and stretch and kick with such amazing strength. You are usually calm and at peace during the day, especially when I'm up and moving. Around 8 pm, when things start slowing down here, you start moving. You are very active for the last part of our days, and early in the morning. 
You respond almost always to your sweet sister's voice. She hugs you and tells you she loves you every day and is very protective of you already (and your things). I'm going to miss her little arms wrapping around my belly and your gentle movements in response to her voice. I know she is excited for your arrival, but I also feel like she is starting to get a dose of reality as to the way things are going to be changing. She seems to understand her role in almost everything.
I'm sleeping, though not very well. You have me in training for the sleepless nights and fuzzy days. I awake at night from dreams of your arrival. I'm reminded quickly that you are not here yet...and get anxious about all the things I still want to do and the projects I need to finish before you get here. I know you won't mind if the curtains aren't hung, and certainly won't wait for the dresser knobs to be painted if it is time for you to come. I've hit "the wall" and don't have to remind myself to slow are helping remind me of that with every step. 
You are reportedly about the size of a cantaloupe and the doctor thinks you weigh somewhere around 4.5-5 lbs. I've had contractions the last three days (none today)...which has sent your father and me into a bit of a panic...making lists of things still left to do and packing hospital bags. 
4 weeks and six days until we meet you, sweet baby. 
33 wks 6 days

Happy Father's Day.

To the man who does it all for his little girl and the one on the way. 

oh hi.

Remember that time I promised I would be posting more...and posting sneak previews of the nursery? Myeah, me too.