So much.

On the day she was born, our lives changed. I didn't quite grasp the magnitude of it at the time, but a few short hours of her existence in this world later...we were different. We were parents.

I remember when the family and friends left the hospital that night, and it was just Jay and Scout and myself left in the hospital room. The nurse came in to take Scout to the nursery for a check-up and recommended that  I get up and do some walking around. Jay and I took a stroll around L&D and as we rounded a corner, there was a nurse pushing a bassinet towards the nursery in our direction. As she walked by with another little baby, it struck both Jay and I at the same time..."that could be our baby, and we wouldn't know it yet because we don't know her cry or her face well enough yet." We hadn't memorized the sounds and the sights of our little girl yet. That is a really strange feeling. 

I'm not sure when that happened...somewhere over the next few days. I studied her. I soaked in all the little gurgles and the crying and the sighs and the sleeping noises that she made as a newborn. I memorized her face. I learned her schedule and her timing and her signs and signals. I learned what she needed. I became her mom. 

For the next few years, as I watched her learn and grow and change...I struggled with the thoughts of having another baby. I wanted to give her someone to share her childhood with. I wanted her to have a built-in best friend and playmate. I wanted to see her as a big sister. But at the same time, I wrestled with the guilt. How could I change her life and routine and her everything? How could I love another child as much as I love her? How could I split my time between Scout and another child? How is it even possible to possess twice the amount of love that I have for Scout? 

As time went by, of course, I put these thoughts to rest with the reassurance from friends and family that "you just do." I know now what they mean. I still look at Scout and get awestruck. She says things and does things that amaze me. I can watch her while she plays or learns something new and feel such a deep sense of pride that I didn't realize was there before. I love that kid. 

Jay and I were driving in the car one day a month ago or so...and Scout was in the back seat, being beautiful and charming and adorable as usual...playing at something...lost in her own world of imagination. I looked at Jay and said...."sometimes when I look at her, I stop breathing. She's just so perfect." I asked him if it was like that for him. He reached over and squeezed my hand. So much love in our hearts for this girl...I can't wait to feel that way with the next.