Today

I'm sitting at home, eating my lunch and having some delayed-reaction-crying thinking about our first OB appointment today. We met with our regular obstetrician and discussed our pregnancy. We did blood work and signed (lots of) paperwork. We did another U/s and I got to see our little "Sport" move around for the first time. After all we've gone through, to see that little guy or gal thrive inside my body was truly amazing. I know that my ability to grow a human defines me as a woman, but what defines me as a mom is the love I already feel for that kiddo. The thoughts of all the fun we are going to have in the future and the ways this baby is going to change our lives are overwhelming at times, but in a great way. 

I've had friends and relatives who've experienced loss....infertility....and combinations of both. I do not take a second of this pregnancy for granted. I know that terrible things can happen, and that these things all happen for a reason on their own terms and timing. I also am painfully aware that those words do not heal a hurt or fulfill a longing that runs so deep. It's in our nature. We are often defined as the weaker sex, but how amazingly strong are we? We face uphill battles with determination. We pick ourselves up in the midst of devastation. We carry our heads high. We carry our children with us. Back up that hill, because we know that once we get there, the view is spectacular. 

Scout knows oceans

So the other day I was watching this episode of Man vs. Wild (I know). Scout was in our room watching Max and Ruby. She came in to the living room to ask for something (probably food, this kid) just as Bear Grylls used a handmade spear to catch (kill) a lobster in Papua, New Guinea. He pulls it up out of the ocean and is excited about his fresh meal and heads to the shore to put it over the fire. Scout jumps up on the couch and is watching this whole experience. 

When Bear pulled the lobster out of the water, its legs flailing, she starts yelling at the television: "THAT'S A DANGEROUS CREATURE! PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN! PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN! PUT IT BACK IN THE OCEAN!" 

Jay and I could hardly contain ourselves. This kid is awesome. Can't wait to tell her first date this stuff (when she's 35). 

8 wks 1 day.

Last night, big sister woke up at 3 in the morning. Jay suggested I crawl in bed with her so that he could sneak out early for work in the morning. I slowly got out of bed and made my way to her room where we cuddled and listened to the rain outside and finally drifted to sleep. I was in and out of sleep until we finally got up and out of bed at 7:45 (a late morning for us). 

It was still raining, as it had been all night and we were all slow to start. Jay didn't go in to work early, but rather got up when we did and got ready for the day with us. We rushed off to our final doctor's appointment at Santa Monica Fertility. We met with Dr. S this time, and Dr. J came in at the end of our appointment to check on our progress and say goodbye. 

We heard "Sport's" heartbeat for the first time and it was a wonderful sound. So strong! We've decided to call this babe "Sport" while in-utero, in tribute to Jay's grandfather who passed away earlier this year. Dr. S pointed out the baby's belly and head and hands to Scout in the ultrasound image. Then she showed Scout the heartbeat and that's when she turned on the sound for us all to hear. 

After the measurements were taken (Sport is measuring 8 weeks, 2 days), we discussed holiday travel plans and I asked for some prescription relief from the nausea. Scout and I are heading out a few days before Jay to go to to Pampa to be with my parents for a few days. Then we head to Austin to meet up with the Holzer clan and celebrate Christmas. Since we are going to be flying a couple of days without Jay, I thought I should be at my best (without nausea) and asked for some medicine just in case. I'm nervous about meds when pregnant, but if I'm having a sick day, there's no way I could travel. 

I'm feeling pretty good today, just a little queasy and tired, of course. I was able to eat a healthy dinner last night. I'd been craving "Kitchen Sink Salad" and Jay made me two small meals of the delicious dinner. It is thus far the most flavorful thing I've been able to stomach. But it was delicious and full of nutritious vegetables and protein. 

We meet with our new obgyn on Thursday. I'm excited to meet her and start the next phase of this adventure! 

Sensory Overload

Lately I've been experiencing sensory overload. Smell what the neighbor's cooking? puke. Pants touch my stomach? puke. Jay turns over in the middle of the night, bouncing me just a little? puke. Wash the kiddo's hair and the smell of her shampoo? puke. Hear something gross? puke. Think of something gross? puke. Pregnancy makes you sensitive and vulnerable. 

I just re-booked our Christmas travel plans and now I'm traveling by myself with Scout both TO and FROM Texas. I think it's time I asked for some Zofran and pick up some Seabands. Here's the remedies I've tried so far that have worked and have not worked (this is a tricky dance). Lemon water. Emetrol. Peppermint tea. Preggie Pop Drops. Eating something small and very bland every 2 hours. Resting. Exercise. Distraction. Ginger ale. Avoiding things that make me feel sick. 

Pregnancy sickness is one of those things....a blessing in disguise. It means your body is hard at work. Some attribute it to hormone levels on the rise. Others say it's because the digestive process slows down so much. Some say it's because of those increased senses, or stress and anxiety. Still, some think it's because of low blood sugar experienced during pregnancy. 

Whatever it is, it's the pits. A necessary purgatory. A wonderful means to a fascinating end result. 

The way 3 yr olds understand pregnancy

We've been trying to give Scout an age-appropriate and somewhat realistic view of what's going to happen in the next few months.  I think it's sinking in. She was playing (refusing to clean up her toys) before bedtime tonight and ran into her room with an "OH MY GOODNESS! Mommy! The baby came out of your tummy and is playing with all my toys!"  To which, Jay explained that the baby wouldn't "be coming out of mommy's tummy for quite some time. Because the baby needs to grow. And mommy's tummy is going to grow. Want to see what that looks like?" 

So we pulled up the pictures of my pregnancy with Scout (there are few and yes, the quality is this bad, and no, I didn't wear make up for these). We showed her this one (as to not traumatize her with the very biggest tummy picture).

Then we showed her this one. 

Then, this one.



That's when Scout said "OH NO! What if she POPS?!" Then we all fell over on the floor from laughing. 

I've been feeling a little bit more sick since last week. Yesterday was NOT a good day.  I couldn't look at anything without wanting to throw up. So when Scout asked for lunch....I trucked over to the kitchen (a room seldom visited in the last couple of days by my body)....opened the fridge, and tried to bribe her with a bowl of cereal. Nuh-uh. No way, mom. So I found some spaghetti sauce and decided to make some pasta. As I was waiting for the water to boil, I leaned against the fridge. Scout saw this and came in and this is what happened:

"What are you doing, mom?"

"Trying not to throw up or pass out." 

"Oh no, you're not going to throw up AGAIN! You'll throw up the baby!" 

Yeah...I think she's totally getting it.

Tonight she hugged me and said "Mom. You know what? Your jellies are getting bigger."

Kids. They don't lack brutal honesty. 

Whoa!

I woke up this morning and had 10,015 views! Guys! :D I promise I'll be writing soon. Lots going on over here. 

Things that break your heart

Scout has been telling me that she wants to be a little baby again. I think it's because we've been showing her the ultrasound pictures when she was in my tummy. We are trying to prep her for what she's going to see at our u/s this Monday. 

 Now, she's told me this before. I think I even blogged about it. But this time, it was SO sad. She crawled in my lap tonight, all snuggly in her new fleece footy pjs. She closed her eyes tight and said "I wish, I wish that I could be a baby again." The girl then held her hand out in front of her face and asked "Am I smaller, mommy?"

Trying to make light of the situation, I grabbed her hand and inspected it thoroughly for about two minutes and then said, "I'm afraid you're getting bigger with every minute." 

She cried out in protest, but there was nothing to be done. I wrapped my arms around her and told her the only thing I knew would calm her down (like so many moms around the world, for ages and ages have done). 

"No matter how big you get...you'll always be my little baby." 

giving thanks

I'm thankful for: my family. I have a doting husband, an adorable daughter, supportive parents and a pain-in-the-neck brother who loves me enough to razz me about my cooking. 

I'm thankful for: oyster crackers and water. It's the only thing that got me out of bed this morning. 

I'm thankful for: morning sickness. It reminds me of the life growing inside me. A life I love already. 

I'm thankful for: my husband's fantastic job. We've had an incredible year. SO much has changed and we are having a blast. All that was made possible by his employer and I'm so thankful for that. Hand-in-hand with that...

I'm thankful for: a hardworking husband (yeah, he gets two mentions). He has always worked hard, and is so good at what he does, and that affords us life's little luxuries...like dryer sheets and new cars, trips to Disneyland and food on our table. Plus, it's soooooo cute when he says things that are nerdy. 

I'm most thankful today for: women who've taught me to cook. My grandparents, my mom and my sisters have all taught me so much that I felt so confident in every little thing I did to prepare for my first Thanksgiving meal. Even though I cooked the entire thing alone, in my tiny little kitchen, I felt like I was surrounded by my family. I felt my Mim's presence when making whipped cream and chex mix. I felt my Mamaw's presence when making the stuffing and cranberry sauce. I felt my mom's presence when I smelled the sweet potato casserole baking in the oven. I felt Amanda's presence when dressing the turkey. I felt Allie's presence in the desserts. Jay's grandmother and my great-grandmother were in my mind too today when I made hard-boiled eggs and set out the tray with pickles/olives/okra in it. I'm so glad I decided to make Thanksgiving dinner instead of BBQ or something else. I really felt the love in every bite. I guess that's why they call it comfort food. 

Thank you, friends and family...for making this a tremendous life. 

BIG THANKS

This Soul Pancake video got me thinking. Who would I thank if I had the chance? If I had a big microphone and could say "thank you" to someone who changed my life in a BIG way, who would I recognize?

It didn't take long to come up with an answer: my dad. 

When I was in the fourth grade, I went to stay the night at a friend's house. The next day, I was woken up, I'm sure I had breakfast or something and then I was told to go home. Kinda weird, but I lost memory of some of the details. I remember walking home from that friends house (two houses down) and seeing my grandparents' (both sets) cars in the driveway. I immediately thought something was wrong. And in my own little world, at that moment...it was. My dad was entering a rehab facility in Cushing, Oklahoma and would be gone through the holidays. That means, he'd miss Christmas with my family. He'd miss New Years. But, what he would gain in return was so worth it. 

Though I am the worst at remembering birthdays (I just sent my mom her birthday present. It was in July), anniversaries (I had to stop using ours as codes for things b/c I can't remember the date) and social security numbers, I usually find the time during the year to say "thank you." Sometimes I call him on his sobriety birthday. Sometimes I hear a story about how alcohol or drugs has ruined/impacted someone's life and I feel the need to call my dad and thank him. But it's never been in a BIG way. So now, without further ado: 

To my dad. Thank you for your sobriety. Thank you for your determination. Thank you for living your life "one day at a time." Thank you for choosing our family instead of your addiction. From that moment on, I never had to question your love for us. And now, 19 years later (!!!!)...I cannot tell you how proud I am. It hasn't been easy...and to see you go through some of the things you've gone through in the last 19 years has been hard. But I know how strong you are, and how dedicated you are to recovery and for that I am thankful. To see the way you have taken your sobriety and have helped others in the community, is so inspiring. At local AA meetings, taking people to Cushing or other treatment facilities, or sponsoring others who are just getting started with their sober lives....you've changed lives. Thank you for being such an amazing dad and role model. I'm so thankful for you. 

And now to pay it forward. If you or someone you know is struggling with their battle with drugs or alcohol, call (800)544-5101. 

11-11-11

(This blog entry was written on 11-11-11)

V-day. Veterans' Day. A kind "thank you" to all of those who serve or have served in all branches of the military. Today, I'm thinking of my grandfather, my brother-in-law (and his dad), my uncle, my cousin, my friends and my friend's spouses.

V-day. Verdict day. Today is the day. I woke up at 3:00 a.m. after having a vivid dream that I took a pregnancy test. It was "positive." I ran and told Jay, and our moms and dads, our siblings, and our friends. And then, I looked at the test again, and realized I'd read it wrong. It was in fact, negative. Such a vivid dream shook me from a relatively pleasant slumber. 

Then Scout woke up at 3:30. She said "hey mom, i'm hungry. Want to go camping? Can you take off my jacket?" I put her back in bed and then snuck out with an excuse to "go to the bathroom." I thought about testing right then. But I decided to wait until I was able to turn on the lights because I didn't want to disturb those who were still peacefully slumbering. 

My sneakiness didn't buy me much time. As soon as I was snug back in my bed, curled up and drifting off to sleep...."MOM! MOM! What are you DOING?" So back I went. She was wide awake. I helped her find "Boo," and snuggled up next to her, realizing I was in it for the long haul. Scout finally went back to sleep, and so did I. 

We woke up at 7. My first train of thought was "I'm hungry, too. Like mother, like daughter." Then, I realized I hadn't tested in the middle of the night....better go do that. As soon as the test started signifying a change, I realized it was a "+" sign. I had long thrown away the box, and didn't know if that really meant I was pregnant. I ran into the living room with the test in hand, Scout scuttling around under my feet. I pulled up EPT's website to double-check my suspicions. I still was thinking it looked too good to be true. But there it was....a giant blue "+." Jay yelled out: "What's the verdict?" 

I grabbed Scout's hand and took the test in to show Jay. I couldn't stop smiling as I asked him, "does that look like a plus sign to you?" He also smiled and said that it did, and asked what our next step was going to be. Then murmured something about needing a bigger boat. Hugs and kisses all around. Excitement, but slight hesitation. We have been waiting for so long. I've tested so many months only to get a negative result. I was slightly in shock. I still am. As I type this, I feel like mush. (We haven't told anyone yet, because we are waiting on blood results. As soon as those are back, we'll let family know and then I'll be posting this entry.) 

I, of course, called my doctor at 8 and went in for blood tests. Things are looking good, and our due date is going to be around July 20th. It's amazing what a little positive thinking can lead to. We are officially 4 weeks pregnant.

Some very, very, very, VERY happy Holzers. 

radio silence//awol//m.i.a., for good reason

If your theory is "no news is good news..." well, you're right. 

Baby #2 is due July 20th(ish)! Feeling so, so, so happy/relieved/excited/tired/hungry/thirsty/ecstatic/alive.

We have an ultrasound scheduled for later this month, and will know more then. Blood levels were tested on Friday, and everything looks good..."strong" as the doctor put it.

Until then, thank you. Thank you for your support these last few months (and years, for those who've known longer). Thank you for your positive thinking, crossed fingers, good energy, prayers and light. 

Passing the time

Things we did while waiting for the last two weeks:
3 trips to disneyland
2 l.a. galaxy games
Double date night
Texans in Cali
11 loads of laundry
2 trips to the grocery store
2 trips to Costco
6 loads of dishes
countless hours spent wondering

Thanks!

Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for checking up on me this week. The emails, messages, cards and calls have been greatly appreciated. It's definitely a time for reflection...as we await Friday. Your notes of encouragement and enlightenment have been a considerable help in keeping a positive outlook. Thanks for it all! Much love!

random funnies from the 3 year old

Scout has been very descriptive about how things taste lately. If she doesn't like it, she says it "tastes like cashews, nuts, or peanut butter." This is because we've told her that she can't have anything that has these components since she is really allergic. If she likes the way something tastes, she says it "tastes like honey!"

Scout told me I was a genius after I made her some mummy sandwiches (hotdogs wrapped up in crescent roll dough to look like mummies). She said something like "HOW did you make these? You are SO genius."

After her productive evening of trick-or-treat, she sat down in the living room, surrounded by candy and threw her arms in the air saying "Let's have a CELEBRATION!" So we gathered together on the floor and she passed out candy to everyone and said "let's enjoy!" Jay brought his wallet and "bought candy" from her. He gave her a dollar for every two pieces of candy she gave him. Soon, she had four dollars and was excited to go to the pharmacy to buy a Minnie Mouse junior laptop she's had her eye on for a month. Jay pulled out his next bill and it was a ten dollar bill- easily worth three pieces of candy! Between the candy sale and us taking the peanut butter/peanut candies from her, she was still left with a few pieces of candy to enjoy for all of her hard work and excellent manners.

She has randomly started a new habit of trying to chew on her hair. I remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. So funny to see those habits surface in your children. And also, gross.

The morning after Halloween, Scout tried to negotiate her way into some candy for breakfast. She tried every excuse in the book. When that failed, she went for the sneak....she said "mom, just put that blanket on your head and don't peek!" Then she climbed up on her step stool and tried to reach the bowl of candy on top of the shelf. That didn't work either, in case you were wondering. Sometimes she reminds me of my brother so much. He probably totally tried the same thing as a kid.

She's always keeping us on our toes!

looking back, Halloween

I've been being nostalgic today, looking at pictures of Scout's first Halloween and comparing them to this year. Here's my favorite pumpkin patch picture from Halloween 2008. This was taken at the Elgin Christmas Tree Farm, where we also used to get our Christmas trees every year. We loved taking this trip with family to the little farm and seeing the animals, finding the pumpkins, and bouncing along on the hayrides. 

And here is my favorite shot from this year's pumpkin patch. Scout and I drove up with friends Jennifer and Cashel to visit this farm just outside of Los Angeles. It was a gorgeous day, and the kids had so much fun. I was worried that we were going to have to take her to one of those sad little pumpkin patches they put in a parking lot. Thank goodness for good friends who know the secrets about raising kids in the city, and day trips to outside the city.

good news!

Positive LH test yesterday afternoon! The energy I was feeling after that test was EUPHORIC! Heading to Santa Monica Fertility for our IUI. Let's get this show on the road!

Post Edit:
Everything went smoothly. I saw my follicle (which had grown to a healthy 22+ mm) and gave it a pep-talk. Procedure was quick and painless. Just waiting 14 days now. JUST 14 days! :D If you need me, I'll be going crazy over here.

Scout and I have a big weekend planned since Jay will be out of town on Saturday. We're going to see Puss in Boots tomorrow with Cashel and Jennifer. But first, dinner tonight with the fam and our good friend Laura from Austin is in town, so we are lucky enough to visit with her this afternoon! Can't wait!

One of those perfect L.A. days

Had to laugh at all the "Los Angeles" in my life today:

Driving to the grocery store and passing the Star Home Tours bus. 

Text from Jay about seeing a guy with a cut from Sons of Anarchy on the Santa Monica Promenade. 

Driving down Avenue of Stars to get to a play date at Roxbury Park.

Buying tickets to the Galaxy play offs for next week. 

Text from Jay: "heading to the playboy studio...should be interesting."(add that to text messages you don't ever want to get from your hubby. jk. they were looking at the studio space. uh-huh, sure.) 

The sun is shining, and it's 70 degrees. Meanwhile, my family in Texas are inches deep in snow. 

LED Billboards everywhere advertising every movie that is coming out for the next two months, t.v. shows and Bijan watches. 

Beautiful day, actually. 

Currently: dancing around

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

Not a Wordless Wednesday

I know you are probably tired of reading these updates. I'm growing tired of posting them. I'm ready for some good news!

Today, I had an appointment with Dr. S to see how the injections had progressed my follicle growth. In two days (each with a 75 cc shot of Follistim), my growth had only progressed to 18.69 mm and somewhere around 17 from 16.

SO. It's not looking much better than last month. Both doctors raised their eyebrows at the outcome of the treatment this time around, and continued to say "it's not where I'd like it to be, but this may be completely normal for you." Dr. S reassured me today that at least the chances have been raised from 0% with no ovulation to 20-25% with one (maybe 2?) follicles.

 I think both doctors are starting to get frustrated with the lack of progress my body is showing. I don't seem to be responding very well to the Clomid, but...we are hoping for a miracle. I'm giving myself a shot tonight of Ovidrel to make my body ovulate. It takes about 36 hours for that to happen. Then, Friday morning at 11:30 we go in for our second IUI attempt.

 Scout was at my appointments this week, and she continues to make everyone in the office laugh and smile. They talk to her about her Halloween costume, her curly hair, and ask her if she wants to stay in the office with them. She tells them about her favorite Nintendo characters, how she wants a baby sister, and her rock collection. She caught Dr. J off-guard on Monday. As he was leaving our room, he said "Bye, you!" to Scout. She looked up at him and said "BYE, YOU!!"

 Jay was in San Francisco today, sitting on a discussion panel at OMMA Video Conference. They were discussing YouTube as the new MSO. You can view it here in all it's techie-fabulousness. He makes some very good points (around minute ~5 and ~22:30) about internet media and even gets to use the phrase "democratized content landscape." God, he's so awesome. I love that he is amazing at his job. I love that he loves his job. I love that he gets to do cool stuff like this, because...he is really good at it. I'm so proud of him.

Good food: Nicoise Salads

Jay and I have been having "at home date nights." Which really, really, really sounds like a cop-out. But, in reality, is SO fun. So far, we've had three of these...and what happens goes something like this: Jay makes and serves dinner in three courses; soup or salad, main course, dessert. I'm not allowed in the kitchen. We both shower and shave and get dressed up like we actually are going to leave the house. We listen to records, and put away the technologies (for the most part). We talk about current events, work, the future and other fun things. Then after dinner, we play a board game or watch a new movie, or both. 

This Saturday night, Jay made Nicoise (knee-swahz) salads and tomato bisque with ice cream and milano cookies for dessert. Nicoise salad is one of his favorites that i've never ventured to try. Though I don't know why...because I LOVED it. 

There are different variations and recipes for this delicious salad. Jay enjoyed one last week that used salmon instead of tuna and asparagus instead of green beans. We stuck to the traditional recipe (minus olives, because if you know anything about my husband...you should know he hates olives and most pickles). 

Jay made the dressing from scratch. Here's the things you need for the dressing:

3/4 cup olive oil

1 shallot, minced

1 tbsp. fresh (or dried) thyme

2 tsp. oregano (we used dried whole mexican oregano)

1 tbsp. fresh basil

1 tsp. dijon mustard

1/2 cup lemon juice

salt and pepper to taste

Other things you'll need to pick up from the market:

Sashimi-grade Tuna steak (one should be enough for two people)

small red new potatoes 

fresh green beans

1 egg per person, hard-boiled

Nicoise Olives (or capers or kalamata olives, if you can't find nicoise) 

Boil your potatoes and your eggs (separately), and flash cook or steam your green beans. You want the green beans to be crunchy and sweet, not soft and mushy. You'll want to cool these things down before you put them on the lettuce to keep the lettuce from wilting. Jay let them sit in some ice water for a few minutes to bring them to room temp. 

Drizzle a bit of olive oil on your tuna steak, and then pan-fry it over medium heat. Keep the center pink, don't overcook the tuna. You can put a little bit of kosher salt on there, if you like. After cooking, slice it and divide between the salads. Let it cool down a little before putting it on the lettuce.

To arrange your salad, start with fresh butter lettuce. We got the hydroponic head of butter lettuce at the store because Jay loved the tagline on the packaging: "You know it's fresh because it's still alive." Queue the sinister laughter. 

In the middle of the lettuce, place your sliced tuna steak in the middle. Then, arrange the remaining ingredients in clockwise fashion. Potatoes (4 or 5), green beans, sliced deviled egg, and olives. Instead of olives, I opted for capers. Which, I have to say...were really delicious. Drizzle your dressing over the top, and enjoy! 

Nicoise deliciousness

dinner date