Why I love austin (the finale)

Current mood: blah
Stole this from a friend...wish I could be this original...

1. First, it's pronounced AWS-TUN. It doesn't matter how they say it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own set of traffic rules. There's no book about them. All you can do is get in your car and hope you survive to learn them. (If yer an aggressive driver, you reign. If yer not, just stay calm and try to stay outta the way.)

3. All directions start with "Go down Mopac...'cause you don't want to get on I-35." No one knows for sure what 'Mopac' means. (fyi: That name came from the Missouri Pacific Railway.)

4. Burnet Road, Braker Lane, and Lamar Blvd. have no beginning and no end.

5. It is impossible to go around a block and wind up on the same street that you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a scenic drive. (Lucky for us, there are hills and deer everywhere. That means its nice to get lost sometimes.)

6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30p to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. (Couldn't be closer to the truth. Plan ahead when driving in.)

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, then you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of a yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a burnt-orange hue. This is Longhorn Country, after all. (For some reason, there's also a rule in place that states you cant push yer accelerator until 3.2 seconds AFTER the light turns green. GOOD LORD PEOPLE! WHY??)

8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your Dell Tag around your neck or clipped on to your belt loop. (err... I think that kinda goes for the TX Lottery, too.)

Ninety-eight percent of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9. Just remember that Mopac = Loop 1; Capital of Texas Hwy = 360; and U.S.183 = Research Blvd., Anderson Lane, Ed Bluestein Blvd. and Old Bastrop Hwy; 2222 = Northland Dr. or Allendale Rd. or Koenig Lane. (Takes twice the brains to live here, see?)
***Also don't forget Ben White/290/71 which also turns into Capital of Tx Hwy/Loop 360***

Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. If you question the intelligence behind this naming convention, people will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, and not sweat, all traffic must immediately come to a screeching halt; ditto for daylight savings time, a female UT student applying eye-shadow across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. (Geez, so true.)

11. DO NOT attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or SXSW (South by Southwest Music Convention). Construction on I-35 AND U.S. 183 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Attn: All telephone solicitors...DO NOT correct my pronunciation when I say I live in Manchaca, TX. It's pronounced MAN-shack (just like a man living in shack). Also realize that the city of Manchaca (MANshack) is in Hays and Travis Counties, and there is also a very long street in Austin named Manchaca (MANshack)!

The city of Manor and Manor Rd. are pronounced 'MAY-ner'. We don't like corrections on that either.

And, for God's sake, DON'T pronounce the 'E' at the end of Guadalupe. It's Gwada-LOOP and we like it that way!

13. Burnet Road is pronounced BURN-it, not Bur-NET. Koenig Lane is pronounced KAE-nig not KOE-nig. The old airport (Robert Mueller) is pronounced Robert Miller and is on Airport Boulevard. The new airport (Austin-Bergstrom) is no where near Airport Boulevard. It's in the city of Del Valle pronounced Dell Valley!

14. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed 'hippie' in worn-out sandals and earrings is probably the latest millionaire around here. (Which means: be nice to all people under the sun. Yes, even the homeless guy on the corner.)

15. Stay away from the Congress Ave bridge at sundown if you do not like the thought of being in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It has the Largest Mexican Free Tail Bat Population in the US. (And its frikkin awesome to see them depart at dusk EVERYDAY to go munch on like 20 tons of insects. So cool. And much fewer mosquito bites for us!)

16. And, yes, we all know that there's a man in a teddy and a tiara on Congress Ave. It's Leslie and he probably makes more money than you do. Surely, you have a homeless, celebrity drag queen that likes to run for Mayor where you live, too, right?

Now you'll never wonder why there are so many bumper stickers that say 'Keep Austin Weird'