on having kids.

I think I've said this before, somewhere on this blog...but I want to preface this entire post with the disclaimer that I don't think I'm better than anyone because I've had kids. There. I said it. And with that...

You think you know what music is...then you hear the first cry of your newborn baby. 

You think you know what life is...then you bring one into the world. 

You think you know what birthdays are about...then you experience a birth. 

You think you know what love is...and then you see your four year old kiss her baby sister on the head 12,000 times a day. 

You think you know what serving others is...and then you care for a newborn baby 24 hours a day. 

You think you know what selflessness is... until your sole purpose for eating, drinking and breathing is to feed a child. 

You think you know what tired is...until you've been woken from a deep sleep at 3 in the morning by the grunting and groaning of a 3-week-old who is hungry. 

You think you know what fear is...until you fear for the safety of your children. 

You think you know what pride is...then you see your happy and thriving children traversing through this world. 

So much changes when a baby is born. It's not because you change as a person...because you always held the capacity to BE the person you are now. But when a helpless child is your responsibility, you look at the world through a new lens; a sharper, clearer, magnified focus. I feel so much love on a daily basis that my heart has grown larger than my self...larger than this house...larger than this city that we live in. With all that we have gone through for the last four years....to get to this place...this destination that is "the rest of our lives".....parenthood...I just...the words fail me. "Blessed" is too vague. "Lucky" doesn't even touch it. "Fortunate" is too cheap. 

Thank you, to the man who loves me...who helped make all this possible...who shares the job, duty, and pleasure of being parents to two(!) amazing little girls. Isn't this the best? 

Surprise!????

I'm going to jump right into this one. When I got back into town, Jay and I had a serious discussion. What if we waited to find out the sex of the baby until he/she makes his/her debut in July? The problem with this is that I am not good at surprises. Well, that's a first of the many problems I have with it. I like to prepare as much as possible. And in pregnancy...as many of you well know...there is not a lot of control to be had on the part of the pregnant. Decorating a nursery and shopping for baby clothes...that's one of those things that takes your mind off the fact that you are going to give birth in roughly 28 weeks. How hard is it going to be for me to pick a pattern if I don't know what this baby is? Well. This is the part where I start weighing all the supposed "pros" and "cons." Of course, many have decorated a nursery without the knowledge of what the baby has going on in the southern hemisphere. I know that. Obviously. So. This is me *actually* considering this crazy plan. 

Jay was nearly convinced by a complete and total stranger who knew nothing about us other than the fact that we are expecting our second baby. He asked Jay if we were going to find out and then proceeded to tell us (J) why we should wait. He made a pretty convincing case. That, and Jay loves surprises. Either way, I found myself having this conversation with Jay while we were unpacking our suitcases from the holidays. The stranger pleaded with Jay to not find out because it is truly one of the ONLY true surprises left in life. How often are we presented with a chance like that?

So if we are to do this (I'm not convinced yet, but keeping an open mind)...here's a little list of things I figure we'd have to do:
*choose gender-neutral decor (easy peasy)
*choose names for both a boy and a girl
*resist using said names...because what do we call "it?"
*not look when the tech is doing "the" ultrasound. I've seen too many...I know what to look for. I knew Scout was a girl a full 10 minutes before Jay did because of the way our previous tech did the ultrasound.
*be that annoying pregnant person who tells people "no, we aren't finding out"....this includes the nurses and doctors at our OB's office. I'm sure I'd have to remind them. Right? Do people actually do this? I imagine they have to.
*drive myself crazy with all those old wive's tales...and gender predictors....and chinese calendars....and moon charts.
*that's pretty much it.

What are the benefits of finding out? Basically the exact opposite of all the things I just listed. Right? Sure. But here's some of the other things that might influence our decision: We are renters. We can't realistically paint a room pink or blue. So, chances are, it would actually be pretty easy to choose some gender neutral decor. Also? We already have SO much girly stuff that it would be easy to add some girly baby things after the fact. Little details we've kept from when Scout was a babe. I've already been keeping a list of names, so that wouldn't be a problem. We've also sorta nailed it down on the girl's name already. SO. That should be easy.

Also? I'm 12 weeks, and don't feel like I'm DYING to know. I remember with Scout, the only thing that got me through the morning sickness (all day) was the promise that at 16 weeks, I'd know what was making me so sick (a boy or a girl). This time? I can't believe we could already find out in a few weeks. Have I mentioned how much my husband LOVES surprises? I have to admit, it's kinda worn off on me...a little. I look forward to his surprises. This could be the surprise of a lifetime that we could give each other. Also, remember all those movies from the 80s and 90s? Like "She's Having a Baby," "Father of the Bride 2" and all those other ones I can't think of? Remember that amazing moment when they announce "it's a boy" or "it's a girl?" How REAL does that moment feel? And that's just a movie. Imagine that in real life. I dunno. Call me a dreamer...but I'm starting to really want to do this.....starting to.

*Oh my god. Just remembered another movie: Little Women. When John comes upstairs and Meg has just given birth and Marmi turns around and says "It's a boy." And then Hanna turns around and says "And a girl." BEST EVER.

The way 3 yr olds understand pregnancy

We've been trying to give Scout an age-appropriate and somewhat realistic view of what's going to happen in the next few months.  I think it's sinking in. She was playing (refusing to clean up her toys) before bedtime tonight and ran into her room with an "OH MY GOODNESS! Mommy! The baby came out of your tummy and is playing with all my toys!"  To which, Jay explained that the baby wouldn't "be coming out of mommy's tummy for quite some time. Because the baby needs to grow. And mommy's tummy is going to grow. Want to see what that looks like?" 

So we pulled up the pictures of my pregnancy with Scout (there are few and yes, the quality is this bad, and no, I didn't wear make up for these). We showed her this one (as to not traumatize her with the very biggest tummy picture).

Then we showed her this one. 

Then, this one.



That's when Scout said "OH NO! What if she POPS?!" Then we all fell over on the floor from laughing. 

I've been feeling a little bit more sick since last week. Yesterday was NOT a good day.  I couldn't look at anything without wanting to throw up. So when Scout asked for lunch....I trucked over to the kitchen (a room seldom visited in the last couple of days by my body)....opened the fridge, and tried to bribe her with a bowl of cereal. Nuh-uh. No way, mom. So I found some spaghetti sauce and decided to make some pasta. As I was waiting for the water to boil, I leaned against the fridge. Scout saw this and came in and this is what happened:

"What are you doing, mom?"

"Trying not to throw up or pass out." 

"Oh no, you're not going to throw up AGAIN! You'll throw up the baby!" 

Yeah...I think she's totally getting it.

Tonight she hugged me and said "Mom. You know what? Your jellies are getting bigger."

Kids. They don't lack brutal honesty. 

giving thanks

I'm thankful for: my family. I have a doting husband, an adorable daughter, supportive parents and a pain-in-the-neck brother who loves me enough to razz me about my cooking. 

I'm thankful for: oyster crackers and water. It's the only thing that got me out of bed this morning. 

I'm thankful for: morning sickness. It reminds me of the life growing inside me. A life I love already. 

I'm thankful for: my husband's fantastic job. We've had an incredible year. SO much has changed and we are having a blast. All that was made possible by his employer and I'm so thankful for that. Hand-in-hand with that...

I'm thankful for: a hardworking husband (yeah, he gets two mentions). He has always worked hard, and is so good at what he does, and that affords us life's little luxuries...like dryer sheets and new cars, trips to Disneyland and food on our table. Plus, it's soooooo cute when he says things that are nerdy. 

I'm most thankful today for: women who've taught me to cook. My grandparents, my mom and my sisters have all taught me so much that I felt so confident in every little thing I did to prepare for my first Thanksgiving meal. Even though I cooked the entire thing alone, in my tiny little kitchen, I felt like I was surrounded by my family. I felt my Mim's presence when making whipped cream and chex mix. I felt my Mamaw's presence when making the stuffing and cranberry sauce. I felt my mom's presence when I smelled the sweet potato casserole baking in the oven. I felt Amanda's presence when dressing the turkey. I felt Allie's presence in the desserts. Jay's grandmother and my great-grandmother were in my mind too today when I made hard-boiled eggs and set out the tray with pickles/olives/okra in it. I'm so glad I decided to make Thanksgiving dinner instead of BBQ or something else. I really felt the love in every bite. I guess that's why they call it comfort food. 

Thank you, friends and family...for making this a tremendous life. 

random funnies from the 3 year old

Scout has been very descriptive about how things taste lately. If she doesn't like it, she says it "tastes like cashews, nuts, or peanut butter." This is because we've told her that she can't have anything that has these components since she is really allergic. If she likes the way something tastes, she says it "tastes like honey!"

Scout told me I was a genius after I made her some mummy sandwiches (hotdogs wrapped up in crescent roll dough to look like mummies). She said something like "HOW did you make these? You are SO genius."

After her productive evening of trick-or-treat, she sat down in the living room, surrounded by candy and threw her arms in the air saying "Let's have a CELEBRATION!" So we gathered together on the floor and she passed out candy to everyone and said "let's enjoy!" Jay brought his wallet and "bought candy" from her. He gave her a dollar for every two pieces of candy she gave him. Soon, she had four dollars and was excited to go to the pharmacy to buy a Minnie Mouse junior laptop she's had her eye on for a month. Jay pulled out his next bill and it was a ten dollar bill- easily worth three pieces of candy! Between the candy sale and us taking the peanut butter/peanut candies from her, she was still left with a few pieces of candy to enjoy for all of her hard work and excellent manners.

She has randomly started a new habit of trying to chew on her hair. I remember doing the same thing when I was a kid. So funny to see those habits surface in your children. And also, gross.

The morning after Halloween, Scout tried to negotiate her way into some candy for breakfast. She tried every excuse in the book. When that failed, she went for the sneak....she said "mom, just put that blanket on your head and don't peek!" Then she climbed up on her step stool and tried to reach the bowl of candy on top of the shelf. That didn't work either, in case you were wondering. Sometimes she reminds me of my brother so much. He probably totally tried the same thing as a kid.

She's always keeping us on our toes!

looking back, Halloween

I've been being nostalgic today, looking at pictures of Scout's first Halloween and comparing them to this year. Here's my favorite pumpkin patch picture from Halloween 2008. This was taken at the Elgin Christmas Tree Farm, where we also used to get our Christmas trees every year. We loved taking this trip with family to the little farm and seeing the animals, finding the pumpkins, and bouncing along on the hayrides. 

And here is my favorite shot from this year's pumpkin patch. Scout and I drove up with friends Jennifer and Cashel to visit this farm just outside of Los Angeles. It was a gorgeous day, and the kids had so much fun. I was worried that we were going to have to take her to one of those sad little pumpkin patches they put in a parking lot. Thank goodness for good friends who know the secrets about raising kids in the city, and day trips to outside the city.

One of those perfect L.A. days

Had to laugh at all the "Los Angeles" in my life today:

Driving to the grocery store and passing the Star Home Tours bus. 

Text from Jay about seeing a guy with a cut from Sons of Anarchy on the Santa Monica Promenade. 

Driving down Avenue of Stars to get to a play date at Roxbury Park.

Buying tickets to the Galaxy play offs for next week. 

Text from Jay: "heading to the playboy studio...should be interesting."(add that to text messages you don't ever want to get from your hubby. jk. they were looking at the studio space. uh-huh, sure.) 

The sun is shining, and it's 70 degrees. Meanwhile, my family in Texas are inches deep in snow. 

LED Billboards everywhere advertising every movie that is coming out for the next two months, t.v. shows and Bijan watches. 

Beautiful day, actually. 

Name game

oh, L.A.---Scout was run over at the park by a kid on his scooter. She was fine, but I learned that the kid's name was Dylan. And his brother's name? Jagger. OBVIOUSLY. I have to say, I love both names...but having them together, is ridiculously cool. Isn't it? 

So from this day forth, I'm going to try to brainwash my sister-in-law to name her future son Jagger. Obviously.

Other fun names at the playground and park are:

Lucy
Charlie (for girls and boys)
William
Ella
Bella
Luca
Devon

This just happened: Saturday Morning

Jay spends all morning...literally all morning.....trying to convince me that we need to buy a new television THIS weekend. Mind you, just last night I agreed that our current plasma t.v. is going to need replacing...maybe it could be our Christmas present. Like, ease me into it...by...CHRISTMAS.

I'm resisting. Telling him it's ridiculous. I don't want to spend the money right now. No way. No how. Don't care how good the deals are right now.

He says these words. "It's 3d. It comes with two free pairs of 3D glasses. And it's $200 cheaper than normal." He measures our current television space. I can see the wheels turning. He's trying to figure out how much television he can get for his buck.

I say: "uh. I don't care. And I can't think of anything more embarrassing than sitting on our couch, with glasses on, watching television." I vacuum the rug.

Finally, after some more badgering, I give in. "Fine. Just don't tell anyone we have a 3d television." (and yes, I know, I'm here telling you all about it)

THEN. He. Measures. The. DVD. Player. The blue-ray we just got for Christmas.

You can imagine the panic that was in my voice as I say. "OH NO YOU DON'T!!"

Boys and their toys. tsk. tsk.

Sunday, funday

Oh ya know...just hanging out with Scout, watching the VMAs.

And by "scout," I mean "rapunzel."

And by "VMAs," I mean "Lilo and Stitch."

Life as a mom is SOOOO glam.

It's like 24/7 glam.

Happy Anniversary....

Five years ago, on this very day...I was lucky enough to marry my best friend. I say lucky, because not everyone finds what they are really looking for in a mate, marriage partner, life partner, father of their future children, etc....

Then, even if you find that needle in the haystack, you might be legally blocked from marrying them. Currently, in the United States, only 6 states plus the District of Columbia legally recognize same-sex marriages.

So many people have heartbreaking stories like this. and bittersweet stories like this. and still more, like this.

In honor of my 5 year wedding anniversary, please take a moment to check out the Human Rights Campaign. If you can give a donation, that would be great. If you get involved, even better.

Let us live and love in a world where equal opportunity is a real thing.

bedtime

holy moly, there is full-fledged 13 yr. old "you ruined it!" cryelling happening in this house.

cryelling---just made that one up. but you know what it means.

Admit to it...

Hi.
My name is Ashley.
And I'm a laundry procrastinator...

Happy 4th of July!

Happy 4th of July! And happy birthday to my lovable grindad!
We spent our long weekend doing this:

and this:

and also attended fireworks show and soccer game, care of the L.A. Galaxy! Go Galaxy!

The things we wish for.

"Be careful what you wish for!" I remember hearing that phrase throughout my childhood with various intent. It was used as a parental threat after empty teenage angst-y threats. It was used as a warning for the potential of getting adverse results of a wish truly realized.

Even as an adult, we think to ourselves, "I wish..." But, we should be careful what we wish for.

I can't tell you the number of nights I wished Scout could soothe herself to sleep without my having to be right next to her. Never to the extent of that now infamous "parenting book" that shall not be named here...but I always thought it must be nice that Jay got that hour or so of solidarity every night while Scout and I battled it out before peaceful sleep.

Now that we are at that point in her development, I am mourning those nights when we would lie down and talk about our favorite part of the day; when we would snuggle until one or both of us drifted off to sleep. I hug her even more during the day than I used to. I ask her to snuggle with me on the couch in the afternoons and in the morning when she wakes up, she crawls into our bed and cuddles silently for a few minutes.

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it...

Time apart

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm not sure about that, but I know that the absence of my friends and family seems to bring a sort of longing in my heart that can be tangible pain at times. The hardest part of this new endeavor thus far has been the missing of family and friends.

This weekend, I was able to reverse the day-to-day and spend time with my besties and away from my husband and daughter. The excitement of spending two whole days with my friends with undivided attention plus TexMex seemed almost too much to bear. Then, just two days before I was set to return to the land of scorching heat and humidity, the parental guilt kicked in. I felt horrible for leaving J&S and knew I would be missing them the entire time I was gone.

That didn't stop me from having an excellent time.

But it did make for some really conflicting moments of internal dialogue standing in security checkpoints. I almost felt sorry for the guard in Houston who asked me how my day was. I almost came apart standing in front of him--not what he asked for that day when he clocked in, I'm sure. I cried from the minute we arrived at the airport until almost two hours into my flight. I couldn't help it. I missed my friends, and wanted to smuggle them onboard with me.

I love our life here in Cali. I love this incredible opportunity we've been given, but if I could have my friends here, it would be perfect. I'm looking forward to making new connections here with new friends and old.

On another note, while I was gone....someone started going to bed by herself, using the word "Ye-ah" (think flava-flave) and somehow, her hair got curlier. How much fun did they have while Mom was out of the house?! Pirate baths, playdates, new parks explored and bagel Sunday! Luckies!

Happy Father's Day....

To all the daddies out there. And especially to the one of this girl:

Without whom, I don't know what I'd do.

Checking things off the list...

favorite things

The new condo we are living in has some pretty awesome "old hollywood" details. Built in the 1940's, this building is as sturdy as it comes. Gorgeous refinished hardwood floors, updated fixtures and granite countertops are just a few of the reasons we fell in love with this place. There are some other little details that add some charm to the place. Here they are:


Tiny drawers in the kitchen. Useful for tools, coozies, and parchment paper.


Cool crank-to-open windows and rose bushes all around the front and side of our condo. lovely.


Swanky new sink.


Here's our peep hole. Very cool.


Old school mailboxes. So cool. Also, tiny.


The front courtyard. We're all the way at the back, which is great. Lots of room to play, no street noise, and beautiful landscaping.

well, hello there. it's been a while, old friend.

So, what have we been up to since March 10th? Oh, the usual...moving across the country, playing on the beach, enjoying ocean breezes and loving life in general.
Best to do things in pictures.


Saying Goodbye to the LRD for now...


Last Magnolia Breakfast for a while


Middle of Nowhere, TX



Me + Scout, Golfland in Pheonix



8 Am swimming in Phoenix


AZ Cactus


California Wind Farms


Bucket Shopping on the Santa Monica Pier


Scout <3s In-N-Out


Happy Earth Day, everybody.